What’s Under the Fear of Change?

Laurie's long hair
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This is a quick photo of my hair at its best – colored, professionally blown-out and attached to a rested face. Yet, I’m pretty sure I’m letting it go in the spring. Back to handy short hair that’s easily washed and quick to comb – possibly grey. Why? Read on.

The New Truck

Last show, I pondered greatly and shared my anxiety over the fact the we had to purchase a new truck. You can see photos of this beauty on the show notes of Day 150. It is a big, beautiful truck that handles great, solves a BIG transportation problem, fits BOTH big tall Mark and shorter me really well. Our old truck has served us for years, yet now has become unreliable. We cannot trust ever, that we will return home sans tow-truck. Not a great way to travel. Mark and I are savers and careful with spending. This is a good thing. We had savings ready for a whoppin’ big down payment and our research was ready to make sure our deal fit our finances. So why is my heart still palpitating like we got terrible news?

Dawny commented after last show:

Wowow. What a beautiful truck miss Laurie. Congrats. Uh. I think. The price. Payment. Not so much. I truly feel your pains there. Ugh. Hopefully the rewards you reap help off set that.

This new purchase has so many rewards. It is a great truck. I’m fortunate to afford it. Mark loves it. It has cool features. Way cooler than old, unreliable. But my mind is FIXATED on the negative. It makes me sick to my stomach to see the huge downtick in our savings. It makes me freak out to have monthly payments again – even though I can afford it in my budget and we accounted for that. It makes me sooooo anxious to park it anywhere, because I’m scared of bumping the new finish or having someone open their door on it. Hmmmmmmmmm, sound familiar?

Jo from the UK also commented after last show:

What a beautiful shiny big ol’ truck!!! Enjoy your new purchase as it was required and not a crazy indulgence

Jo is right! We didn’t just take our savings and bet it on a horserace or go on a cruise we couldn’t afford or buy a timeshare we might regret. We purchased a new car – something we haven’t done for over 12 years to relace a car that’s 20 years old.

My main anxiety is that this is a new way of living. I didn’t worry about the old truck (outside of wondering if I’d actually get to my destination). It was already dinged. It was cheap. It was familiar. Many of its controls no longer functioned. But it had been my truck for decades. I know how to drive it. I know how it feels. I know who I am when I’m driving that truck.

Beautiful new truck scares the daylights out of me. I’m sitting higher in the driver’s seat. It has a backup camera (good thing), but I’m not used to cameras yet. It’s longer and wider in the lane. It has a zillion buttons. It starts without a key (I HATE that). I’m used to taking my key out of the ignition and putting it back in my purse or hiking pack and thence to my special key place in my house. I’m a key loser. And a glasses loser. And a phone loser. etc. etc. I have processes, thanks to my compulsive brain, that helps me keep track and fancy new trucks that act weird do not help me!

It’s Not You, It’s Me!

See BCs, it’s not the truck, it’s ME! I like things to stay the same, because I have built up an illusion of safety around the status quo – even when change is the best possible thing.

Hmmmm, my diet and eating behavior was the same for decades too. I knew just what to do with that. Processes were pretty consistent, even if the next diet miracle method might change. I knew how to feel about myself according to the scale. I knew if I’d done well or not by my diet diary. This whole intuitive eating thing terrified me just like this new truck does.

So many people I’ve met have advised me to write a book about my experience with Compulsive Overeating Diary. They think it would be a hopeful and interesting story. But even after all these years and all of the positives from doing this show and meeting all of you online or off, I still cannot wrap my head around my story being a worthwhile read for anyone since I don’t have any answer and I remained at a higher weight than I first thought. I just can’t help feeling like a failure. It is instinctive. It is status quo. It is the way I’m used to thinking about myself.

Now this admission is probably not a surprise to most of you. But it does still make me sad. This doesn’t mean I think I should go on a diet immediately and become thin so I can have a best seller that would be popular and get me a seat on Oprah. It’s more that I’m trying to understand myself. Like the greatness of the new truck’s features, my lessons from Compulsive Overeating Diary and my experience with intuitive eating and learning to eat as naturally as I could, have so many outstanding benefits. I have listed them for you over the years. You’ve seen my growth and my bravery. But sometimes, I just cannot get out of my rut to appreciate them.

Beauty Doesn’t Always Feel Like It’s Within

Another rut I’m facing is my long hair. My hair was always thick and curly, and my only claim to beauty. I grew up in the 60s and 70s where long hair was a great feature to have and valued. Even bullies who made fun of my hips would say nice things about my hair. Long hair also feels like protection. Easy to hide behind. I loved my hair. But when I hit 40, I thought, ‘Hmmm getting to the age where I’ll have enough grey to dye my hair, and I don’t want to dye all of this thick, long, hair.’ So on a whim, I walked into a beauty parlor off the street and said, ‘cut it.’

It was a terrible haircut that day, and I cried. Luckily, my hair grows fast, so I soon got something more stylish and kept my hair short for years after that. It was much more convenient for washing – especially after bike riding and working out like a fiend in the gym. I felt like I was masquerading as a grown-up too. My long hair was my younger self. Not for middle aged me.

Then came my bike accident. Boy howdy, talk about status-quo change! Couldn’t speak, think, process, figure stuff out. Couldn’t exercise for months. Months of seeing doctors of every type. Off work, then completely retired from work at friggin’ 52 years of age. Blink of an eye, I’m completely different – except…

During this time, my hair grew out.

It was comforting. It was familiar. And it wasn’t as grey as I feared – at least at first. I thought it would be fun to experience my long hair one more time. One more time that turned into several years.

And it is a royal pain to take care of! LOL. My beauty is my bane. It’s like my familiar old truck that’s great, except it doesn’t get you where you need to be. Or my old familiar diet plans, that are great, except they lead me down some compulsive roads that aren’t worth it to me.

My long hair can be very beautiful. After hundreds of dollars and hours of time. And once upon a time, the veil of beauty and comfort it gave me was so very worth it. Once upon a time, I knew who I was on my diet in my old truck and waving my braid around. Today I’m contemplating a new style as I drive my new steed to the mountain to talk about my feelings instead of heading for the chips.

Maybe someday, I’ll have that book showing me with short hair and smiling because the best ending of all would be me, at peace with the status quo of change.

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Ep 0150 – The Bravery of Dave and a New Magic Word

Laurie in black headscarf smiling on the mountain
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I’m proud of myself for hiking even though I would prefer to have had a cooler day for it!

Podcast Recap

Learn the power of a new magic word Mark and I have been using lately. We welcome our newest BC Jeanette M and give a special shout-out to the ladies of Jenn Hand’s ‘The Normal Eaters Club’. BC Dave wins the BIG HEART award for encouragement and ultimate bravery as he shares his personal ghost story from day 148. BC Jo shares encouragement. Dawny updates us about her house and life. Our old friend, Sue from the U.K. shares fantastic news as well as some challenges with her grief. BC Josephine adds her thoughts about how BCs are alike. Send your holiday cheer and creativity if you’d like to be part of our traditional show.

Old Green Ford Ranger

Our old workhorse. This truck has seen us through so many adventures, it is really tough to let it go.


Silver Honda Ridgeline

Mark’s new baby! It’s a great truck, just need some time to bond with it I guess. Sometimes even good change is hard to process.

New BCs

Mentioned

Last show

BC Dave’s astonishingly brave story on Day 148

Sue from the UK’s comments on Day 146

About Jenn Hand

How to send audio – Send in your holiday greetings to be part of our traditional holiday fun!

Ways to support the show financially

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1 Used by permission of Josh Woodward under a Creative Commons License

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Ep 0149 – Bonus – Mindful on the Mountain

Laurie looks up seated in front of a background of trees at the Upper Zen Spot
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I’m feeling great in this moment on the mountain. A last minute decision results in a bonus hike and a bonus episode.

Podcast Recap

I thank our Veterans for their service then muse about the unexpected benefits of mindfulness.

Valley view from the mountain framed by a canopy of oak trees

A lovely look at the view from the Top Zen Space.

Path winding down the high chaparral mountainside

Some of the path down the mountain

Mentioned

Last show

BC’s Dave’s comment about mindfulness that inspired me

Insight Timer – the Meditation App I use

Ways to support the show financially

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1 Used by permission of Josh Woodward under a Creative Commons License

Other Sounds

  • Crowd Cheering
    http://www.freesound.org/people/xtrsounder/sounds/202498/
  • Applause
    http://www.freesound.org/people/bulbastre/sounds/132154/
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Ep 0148 – Busting Your Own Ghosts and Mark Comes Clean

Laurie at the podcast rock wearing bee antennas and holding a package of lemon Kook-Aid
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On podcast pages click the arrow to play the episode.
Halloween Hijinks on the podcast rock! Hint-this Kool-Aid features in today’s show.

Podcast Recap

Happy Halloween everyone! In honor of the day I wrestle with letting go of some of my personal ghosts and turn my most dreaded body part into my new super power. We meet our three newest brave companions, Maria S, Sunny from Taiwan and new BC Kathy C. BC Dave shares his and his wife, BC Kathleen’s experiences with Disc Golf on the BC Bravery Sports report. Dave also weighs in via comments on his thoughts about body image, after my Oprah reaction on day 144. BC Jo sends Dawny and me her comment support after last show. Mark shares a very unique, cheap and effective way to clean your toilet ring on a brand new feature – The BC Cleaning Hacks Report.

Laurie with hair up contemplates the hotel pool.

Just before my Halloween morning swim. The cool weather gives me the pool to myself.


BC Dave holds a blue disc by some woods - ready to shoot

Great shot of BC Dave out Disc Golfing!


Golf Disc

Here’s a close up of BC Dave’s official Golf Disc.


A Close up of the glow in the dark disc used at night for Disc Golf

A Close up of the glow in the dark disc used at night for Disc Golf


BCs Dave and Kathleen hug before the waves at the ocean on a typical grey Washington day

Love this photo of BCs Dave and Kathleen at a beach in Washington. Love to see the love and the reminder of home.

New BCs

Mentioned

Last show

BC Dave and My comment conversation about body acceptance

BC Jo from the UK’s kind comment for Dawny and me

Send in your tips and tricks for the BC Cleaning Hacks Report

Ways to support the show financially

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver
BC Bravery Sports Report Intro Announcer: Mark Weaver
BC Bravery Sports Reporter: BC Dave
BC Cleaning Hack Report Intro Announcer: Mark and Laurie Weaver
BC Cleaning Hack Reporter: Mark Weaver

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1 Used by permission of Josh Woodward under a Creative Commons License

Sounds Used in BC Bravery Sports Report

    Sports music
    http://www.freesound.org/people/club%20sound/sounds/107330/

    Fanfare
    http://www.freesound.org/people/jobro/sounds/156516/

    Sports crowd
    http://www.freesound.org/people/kellieskitchen/sounds/209991/

Other Sounds

  • Crowd Cheering
    http://www.freesound.org/people/xtrsounder/sounds/202498/
  • Applause
    http://www.freesound.org/people/bulbastre/sounds/132154/
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Ep 0147 – Celebrate Who We Are Now

Very happy Laurie in her big straw hat grinning life a fiend on the podcast rock.
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On podcast pages click the arrow to play the episode.
Things are looking up as I’m back on the podcast rock, feeling great and ready to step back into my life after recovering from a skin cancer procedure.

Podcast Recap

Back on the podcast rock after recovery from my skin cancer procedure, I ponder the value of an aging body and what it has to teach us. Dawny checks in with a life update and some much needed support for me after my last emotionally draining show. Thanks to BCs Mary S and Cynthia from the Netherlands for their support via Instagram. Dawny’s latest Foolish Fun in honor of the Fall season.

Laurie smiles in front of the Disney Animation Building

Another fun night at a preview of the new season of Star Wars Rebels at the Disney Animation building. Such a cool part of belonging to Women in Animation. I was Sooooo glad to get out of my house finally.


Laurie smiles in front of a mural inside Disney Animation's lobby

You can see my bandage on my temple, but I was a happy camper at Disney Animation.

Mentioned

Last show and comments, including Dawny’s kind support.

About the MOHS surgery – the type I had for my basal cell carcinoma

Follow me on Instagram at LaurieDreamWeaver

Our Social Media TAG is #CODBCS

Ways to support the show financially

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver
Foolish Fun Announcer: Mark Weaver
Foolish Funner: Dawny

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1 Used by permission of Josh Woodward under a Creative Commons License

Other Sounds

  • Crowd Cheering
    http://www.freesound.org/people/xtrsounder/sounds/202498/
  • Applause
    http://www.freesound.org/people/bulbastre/sounds/132154/
Comments box: