I’m wondering what’s up with me food-wise? Calories aren’t right, I felt COMPLETELY satisfied, and then had a mini Robot Alien visit wtf?
Calorie Counting Report
Ok, I let you all know in Bonus Day 104 that I was going to *gulp* count calories for one week under the guidance of my therapist and see how that would feel for me. I did it primarily to find out what foods were causing intermittent digestive distress AND to explore the idea of limiting calories again. How would that feel? Is it something viable to lose weight?
It’s no secret that I am disappointed that my progress has been to pretty much maintain with slight upticks from time to time. The good news is that so far, the dreaded upticks, downtick again and here I sit in my skinny-for-me 18W pants once more. A bit tight, but zipped and fully sitable.
Calorie Counting? Not for me. I did discover that I’m not under estimating very much. What I guessed I’ve been eating is close to the tracked amount. I did discover that a few nutrients are lower than I’d like, and so will make some adjustments there. But overall, one big *YAWN*.
Didn’t discover the digestive culprit. I ate my usual, I ate some unusual, and nada, nothing, big zero in digestive attack.
Here’s the weird part. I didn’t feel threatened, I didn’t feel dieting’s siren call. I felt bored and annoyed. As if I was returning to 4th grade, not as the teacher, but to study. I didn’t like having to bother to enter my food. It felt extraneous. It didn’t change my eating. I just didn’t care about the numbers all of that much. I TRIED to whip up some enthusiasm and even found out my losing range via online calculator (even though I have THESE all memorized) and thought about how wonderful it would be to finally fit in chairs again.
Another big *yawn*. Why did fitting in chairs not motivate me? Why can’t I care more?
Can the Leopard Change its Spots?
I was absolutely bored from this visit to the diet mentality. I didn’t want to take time to track, I wanted to spend time on my voice acting and singing. Voice acting and singing don’t have much to do with my weight.
This whole darn last year has been all about FREEING myself from food and diet obsession and integrating, IN MY SOUL, that I am fine at any weight, chairs or no chairs. And I guess I have! Counting calories feels as natural to me now as if I slapped training wheels back onto my road bike. In the way and no longer needed.
A miracle meal
So yesterday, I went to therapy, learned a lot about my rage volcano and where that comes from. I then went to Trader Joe’s and bought ingredients to cook some delicious and nutritious foods that I have been hungry for. Came home, being hungry, made lunch. It was the PERFECT lunch. I loved its taste, it felt good in my tummy, AND it was just the right amount. Without thinking, I was absolutely SATISFIED.
Wow! So THIS is satisfied.
This is the elusive feeling I’ve been chasing. I almost danced a jig I was so happy and amazed. I had made progress, I had learned emotional truths, gone about my day, and cooked myself a darn great lunch. I didn’t gulp said lunch, didn’t artificially obsess or put down the fork between bites as an exercise or anything. I naturally ate my lunch in an intuitive manner. Hooray! Then…
Why the F are the ROBOT ALIENS here?
Next thing I know I am in a trance… no thought, no consideration, and nachos on the plate with NO HUNGER and no real desire for them. I eat these homemade nachos all of the time. The Robot Aliens are controlling my arms again! It was even a fairly moderate amount. And I ate slowly too! Dang it. Why? Why? Why? All this accomplished was to take my Satisfied feeling and turn it into an OVER FULL feeling. Not even binge full, not even compulsive ‘go for some treats’ full, plain old garden variety – opps, I ate too much full.
Now I’m getting pretty pissed at myself.
I wanted to next go practice singing and voice acting, and as I’ve told you, HARD FOR ME TO USE MY VOICE WHEN FULL…..ah HA!
Sneaky Robot Aliens! They were providing an excuse for me to lose focus and not succeed at my voice goals today. I have been REALLY WORKING on doing these things for real, and I have been improving. If I KEEP improving it will be time to make my demo and audition. Scary! The robot aliens knew I was freaking myself out unconsciously, and so, gave me an excuse to skip my progress that day.
Thanks, but no thanks Robot Aliens!
I gave myself an hour to digest, drank water, then PRACTICED ANYWAY! I did my best and made progress. I then went to the Voice Actors’ social group, networked, and told the truth about where I was in my progress OUT LOUD. I expressed that I wasn’t ready for my demo yet, but was making good progress and was working toward the goal of making my first demo THIS YEAR.
I didn’t eat again until I got home from the social group. Wasn’t hungry there, so just ordered mineral water. Once home, I was hungry, so I ate a small dinner, including a small dessert, and guess what, I felt satisfied.