Ep 0103 – Emotional Realizations, Body Image and How to Recover from a Binge

Laurie in blue scarf smiles against the wild grasses on the trail.
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Hooray, no crows in sight at the Next to Upper Zen Place!

Podcast Recap

It’s an emotional day on the mountain as I look back at my past and share the results of my recent trip home to Tacoma, Washington. Dang crows kept me from recording yesterday! Hear just a snippet of their crazy cawing. I’m off on a birthday trip for my big 56. Welcome to new BCs Becky from the U.K. and Lisa. How I determine who to welcome and how much to spill. Changes to the show notes pages on CompulsiveOvereatingDiary.com. Thanks Sue from the U.K. and Suzanne for welcoming new BCs in my absence. Big smooch and thanks to Amy from Wisconsin for the wonderful surprise gift she sent. I LOVE it! Dawny’s question triggers me to ponder about how we know when our body is at good weight in our own eyes. Suz goes on the bravery report for sharing her audio questions about bingeing and I give my tips and ideas about how to recover.
Laurie leans her cheek against her hand sitting under a tree down at the local park

Dang crows! Oh well, at least my hair looks good on the podcast rock down at my local park.

Mentioned

SAD

Epic Show 100! The one I shared with my mom.

My Going to Seattle post with comments

Day 11 – Where Lisa first posts for us

Ways to support the show financially

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1 Used by permission of Josh Woodward under a Creative Commons License

Comments box:

23 thoughts on “Ep 0103 – Emotional Realizations, Body Image and How to Recover from a Binge

  1. Dawny

    Thank you for pouring out your emotions in such a REAL raw way Laurie, I had a GREAT cry with you at a very ‘timely’ time.. Some-times NOTHING is better than a good cry.
    I can truly appreciate your feelings, and the vulnerability you face by sharing your feelings here with us, but at the same time I know how much better you must feel after doing so =-)

    I too am VERY thankful and grateful for your ponderings regarding the question in my head, your a great thinker, and always shed a different light/perspective on things in ways that i never thought of prior.

    Love this show/podcast, you and all the BC’s

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      LOL, at the time I wondered, “Wow, how will Dawny like THIS emotional journey out on her Wog about?” I thought about redoing the story without the tears, but then, thought, What the hell, it happened, I tell it like it is, and it is just one more thing NOT to be embarrassed about. (Though don’t expect any nudie photos from me, that is where I absolutely draw the line 😉 )

      Reply
  2. Dawny

    When the scale LIES!!
    IT’S ALL LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I had a SUPER good week.. so there’s that one time, you weigh in and that DUMB MENTAL BOX decides that it doesn’t want to play nice, and it tells you that you are up almost a pound.. so sad =-( .8 to be exact.. after such a good week that could be deflating..

    HOWEVER…

    DUMB MENTAL BOX, I am on to you, and i KNOW you LIE! you do not DEFINE me, you do NOT define MY SELF WORTH,and your little lie means NOTHING..

    okay, well it does, and im ticked off but I will push on, and do what I do LOL.

    Glad that’s off my chest..

    I did not have ONE day of food foraging, so at least I know my tracking was 100%, I also only ate 2 meals I think out, oh wait 3.. oh well, I had 480 minutes of activity of sorts.. sheesh.. it is what it is..

    Im thankful that today is the FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.. there’s that.! oh and it’s Saturday, that helps.. lol
    and I wog-a-bouted across america today, for a VERY loooong walk; much farther than anticipated, and my ankle is telling me how DUMB that was, but all the more reason to go see a movie? lol

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Dawny, Dawny, Dawny, I know you know the scale lies. But it IS hard not to let it get to you. It’s ok to be pissed and disappointed. If you stick to your plan, you’ll probably have a good loss next week. When the scale is a bastard, sometimes we shoot ourselves in the foot as a reaction. I hope you don’t. I Hope you have fun at the movie and keep on celebrating all of the milestones you’ve done this week. The behavior and the feelings of self respect are SO much more important than a scale number. I’m proud of you gal. xoxoxoxoxox

      Reply
  3. Stéfanie

    What a great show.

    Dawny’s comment was a great one that I had not read (sorry Dawny, lack of time! So I am happy it was read on the show). Dawny, it seems like you have already decided that your weight is at it’s ideal! I agree that the work is sometimes about assuming to the face of the world that we choose to see things differently and embrace that. You have already made a big step by this insightful comment as it shows that you have thought things through in a very thourough way. The way you’ve described your analysis showed me I still have work to do! 🙂

    Something tickles my ear when I hear about the word ‘vanity’ in general. I’ve checked the dictionary – vanity is ‘excessive pride’ or ‘lack of real value’. Is wanting a nice body (and I mean nice by our own personal standards, not society’s standards) really vanity? where is the line between true vanity (in the negative sense) and self-love (of our HOLE – not just our inner beauty) having esteem for your body, wanting to feel pretty (to ourselves), wanting to arouse our spouse, feeling empowered by the way we dress, gaining confidence from a good look? And what is the opposite of vanity? Does not being vain mean always wearing our comfy ugly PJ’s and never comming our hair?

    I guess the question I am asking Dawny, Laurie, BC’s is – are there ‘better’, more ‘valuable’, more noble reasons to work on our weight, whether it is to maintain, loose or gain? I wish I could say that my weightloss journey was first and foremost for health reasons – but the truth is that the no 1 reason is related to image. Image in a non superficial way – image as a powerful vector of confidence and self-esteem.

    Also! I loved the courage of Suz to call the hotline, and the great things you’ve shared after, Laurie. It’s true that streaks always end. On IG, Happy used to post everyday but since her streak went out, she stopped posting, so I am hoping she listened and found it as meanful as I did. I am even starting to observe on my own typical ‘streak’ as I am usually ‘on track’ for 5 to 7 days, and then have an offtrack episode. Not always binging, but overeating for sure. I am starting to wonder if I shoudn’t PLAN my offtracking to better control it – I will give this more thought.

    Also HI TO NEW BC’s!!! Welcome to the club of these great people 🙂

    Finally Laurie, wow how happy I am to hear that it went well in Washington and just as Dawny said, I too was touched by the fact that you let us walk besides you as you were demonstrating vulnerability. That is VERY brave. As always, I am impressed by your capacity to explain your feelings and communicate. I know that you have been working really hard on yourself and it shows because you exude clarity and lucidity when talking about your thought process. It is beautiful to hear.

    Stéfanie xx

    Reply
    1. Sue

      This is a great post Stéfanie. You echo many of my thoughts. I heard this episode and wept too.

      On your thoughts on vanity I wonder if it is a sign of progress when we want to wear beautiful clothes and accessories rather than feeling “I’m too fat to bother” or “there is no point”. I’ve been encouraged to try and find something that enhances what I am wearing (my tendency is to be a bit frumpy).

      Reply
      1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

        LOL

        I’ve been encouraged to try and find something that enhances what I am wearing (my tendency is to be a bit frumpy).

        This is so ME too. I have to work at remembering to comb my hair before going out in public since all I do is head to the park or the mountain and rarely bother there. Bad beauty habit that. 😉

        Reply
    2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Thanks for these very interesting comments and observations Mon Amie. I’m going to address your quote below in more detail on Day 105 sometime next week. However, for now, my take is that these goals are emotionally fine as long as they don’t define YOU and how you feel inside. For example, it is fine to wish to have a rocking bikini bod and to notice your progress as long as it isn’t devastating to your esteem along the way. It is the whole separation of self image and body image. For example. I might wish to lift weights to build my upper body strength to better support me on long bike rides. This is a wish to change my body in some way. I can notice when the weights I can lift increase, how my riding endurance is impacted, or how the size and shape of my arms have changed from these exercises. These are body observations. The minute I have thoughts about how I am not good because my arms don’t look a certain way, or I can’t ride a certain distance, I have crossed into disordered thinking. So I don’t believe the wish to appear your physical best (as defined by you) is in and of itself unhealthy. If it is YOUR wish, not triggered by outside expectation and you feel fine on your journey, then it is just another goal that is important for you. For me, I have had a very tricky time not falling into making my body the bearer of all of my esteem. So I can’t be motivated by looks at this point. Too close to MY disordered thinking. I do better with strength or physical achievement goals. Function over form. But because this approach allows me to notice nutrition and exercise results without going into a tailspin, doesn’t mean that all people need to use it. Like everything else, only each person can answer how these ideas impact them. xoxoxoxox

      Something tickles my ear when I hear about the word ‘vanity’ in general. I’ve checked the dictionary – vanity is ‘excessive pride’ or ‘lack of real value’. Is wanting a nice body (and I mean nice by our own personal standards, not society’s standards) really vanity? where is the line between true vanity (in the negative sense) and self-love (of our HOLE – not just our inner beauty) having esteem for your body, wanting to feel pretty (to ourselves), wanting to arouse our spouse, feeling empowered by the way we dress, gaining confidence from a good look? And what is the opposite of vanity? Does not being vain mean always wearing our comfy ugly PJ’s and never comming our hair?

      Reply
    1. Sue

      I would love to see a picture of Amy’s quilt. I have just taken up this hobby and realised several things:
      It’s addictive
      It’s expensive
      It’s hard to be a beginner who is a bit (strike that – a lot) of a perfectionist!

      However, apart from when I do things multiple times to get it a little bit neater, I’m finding it really helps to keep me grounded.

      Reply
      1. Amy from WI

        Hey Sue,
        Are you on instagram or facebook? I’m always up for having another quilty friend 🙂 I have gotten much better at letting go of perfectionism, at least in quilting. When I realized that it was taking away from the enjoyment, I decided not to freak out about it. I do try to be careful, but I don’t try to be perfect.

        Have fun quilting,
        Amy

        Reply
        1. Sue

          Hi Amy, I post on Laurie’s facebook page for Compulsive Overeating Diary. This may be the easiest way for us both to link up. I would love to hear your comments as I post my quilt pics on my page and will let you see them. I am open for any hints and suggestions.

          Reply
  4. Amy from WI

    Oh my, I have so many thoughts on both this show, and on the comments above. I am going to let go of my perfectionistic need to put down every single thought, and just see what flows out of the fingertips!

    This was an amazing show, Laurie. I restarted it three times, because I kept getting interrupted and I knew what I’d heard was good, and wanted to listen again to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I may even listen one more time. Your reflections on shame and your trip back to Washington really spoke to me. There is still a bit of shame about my body living inside me. I am going to keep working at pushing that out. I do pretty good when I’m by myself, or with hubby, but my coworkers and my mom love to talk about losing weight (both of whom are thinner than me), and I tend to feel more shameful around them. I appreciate your bravery in sharing those raw and painful feelings, and I want to celebrate with you for sharing episode 100 with your mom and having that important conversation. Bravo!!!!

    I wish I’d heard this episode back when this binge round started, maybe I would have been able to stop it sooner. Do you know that I waited to listen until I felt “ready” to stop the binge cycle? It’s this thing I do….once a serious cycle gets going, I can’t stop in the middle of it. I have to allow a few days of bingeing before I feel ready to stop, so I don’t even try. While I hope this is the last binge cycle I ever have, if I do have another, I’d like to try and stop it sooner. Anyway, your exercise of being in the moment was wonderful. I’m going to do that on a daily basis, maybe even a few times a day. I think part of me getting going on this binge cycle was that I’d moved away from any attempt at intuitive eating. I wasn’t on a strict diet, but just eating whatever and not thinking at all about how my body is feeling. Back to the basics for me!

    Thanks for the shout out for your quilt. It was fun to hear your reaction 🙂 I know you have another show out now, so I’m going to listen to that right away. I’ve missed you while you’ve been gone, but I’m glad you’ve been enjoying some good time away.

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hooray Amy for letting your thoughts pour out! I think that is the best way to see what’s resonating around in our heads and hearts. Let it pour right out through the keys! Thanks again for your beautiful quilt. I posted the photos today and was inspired by it to ponder on authenticity and love. See your heart shone through and inspired me! Boy, I know what you mean about wanting to be over a binge episode before trying to change anything. I think part of that is we WANT to binge for a reason. And we just aren’t ready to deny ourselves the relief that goes with the binge. We really aren’t thinking about the consequences during binge season, only the relief. The consequences later on make us immune to the relief we got by bingeing, and make us think we must be INSANE to treat ourselves this way. But, I believe we are not insane and the binges serve us. For me, replacing the binge with something else that met those needs was key. And that can be so tricky. IE helped me get over the food deprivation. Therapy is helping me to feel and express my needs in words. This show and the encouragement of the BCs has helped me to take risks, such as learning to do voice acting – even though I am considered fat, and over fifty and not an experienced actor – all of the reasons that would have before last year convinced me NOT to try, and to probably eat some chips in order to mask my disappointment and disgust with myself – if I even became conscious of the desire to try my hand at voice acting. So many needs my bingeing served. So many different emotions. So I need my multi-pronged approach. Another thing I notice is that I can never get full during a binge or a compulsive eating episode. When I am hungry, I start to experience a change in hunger right away after eating a few bites. When I do not, I know it isn’t hunger. Sometimes I can “go in the moment” and determine what I need. I also notice, that if I really want this food for the taste of it (even if not hungry) a few bites will do. I will notice after the third bite that it doesn’t taste as good. If there is no change in flavor or fullness, it is emotional eating and no amount of eating will help long term. I began getting better by simply noticing. Didn’t change the bingeing, but helped me change my thought patterns and automatic responses. I also think this is why I’m not freaking out too much yet about tracking. The numbers don’t change my feelings. Before I would eat by numbers. Now I’m just putting numbers down to represent my eating. I am fascinated by this change. Not ready to be cocky though, I still have some fear about tracking, but so far, no diet thoughts are bothering me. Even when I consider bringing my calories down a few hundred someday if my body remains this size, it feels more mechanical and less threatening than usual. But then, I am glad my therapist is helping me with this. That is a huge help. Hang in there my friend, you are also learning and every moment is a new one. xoxoxoxox

      Reply
      1. Dawny

        I know you were talking to amy…. But laurie!! Thank you sooooooo much for sharing this! I NEEDED this… This is what u needed. This is a missing key/link for me. Oh my!! Wowsa. Thanks so much!

        Reply
  5. Happy (with my body)

    Hi Laurie. Just checking in to tell you I am almost up to spead with the show now. And I loved, LOVED this episode. It was deeply touching to hear you talk about your upbringing, your family, your visit back home and the talk you had with your mom. Thank you for your honesty and bravery. Love/Happy

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Happy, thanks for stopping by! I think this was one of my most emotional shows by far. I’m glad you liked it. I’ve noticed a huge improvement in my peace of mind since my visit and this episode. I still have had some pretty big challenges, but my attitude has shifted. For this, I am most grateful. Hope things are going well with you, dear Happy. xoxoxoxox

      Reply
  6. Mary S

    I’m on this episide now and cried with you… Especially because of the loss of your mother recently… Big hugs!

    Reply

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