Ep 0105 – How Critical Judgements Hurt and Pondering on Vanity

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Presenting the awesome view from the Next to Upper Zen Place!

Podcast Recap

Critical judgement of myself and others is what I need to let go of as I ponder on the mountain. Please send prayers and positive vibes to Cheryl’s family. Welcome new BCs Carol from Detroit who goes on the bravery report for reaching out and Colleen who gives her reaction to the beauty of the quilt Amy from Wisconsin made me. More comments about Amy’s quilt from Suz, Sue from the UK, Stefanie from Quebec and Amy herself! Stefanie from Quebec asks for our opinions on vanity when setting our body goals. A Shout out to our missing BC, Happy. A comment conversation with these same BCs and Dawny about bingeing, food tracking and how we feel about ourselves. The unknown Foolish Funner brightens our day with a new chuckle and I wrap up the show with my thoughts on ‘What is enough?’
Wild flowers and grasses dot the mountain trail

The mountain is in bloom after our recent rain and the coming of Spring.

Mentioned

The Blog post featuring Amy’s Quilt

The episode where I ponder tracking calories and where you can see the photo of me in my BRAVE tiara made by Suz

A Status page about calorie tracking that has some interesting comments

The emotional episode where I talk about my time back home

Page with directions on how to send audio

The National Eating Association’s Get help resource

Melvin’s

Ways to support the show financially

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver
Laurie’s Foolish Fun Intro Announcer: Mark Weaver

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1 Used by permission of Josh Woodward under a Creative Commons License

Sounds used in Laurie’s Foolish Fun Intro

  • Slide Whistle sounds
    http://www.freesound.org/people/plingativator/sounds/188873/
  • Background Tune/Beat
    http://www.freesound.org/people/siakitty/sounds/38478/
  • Girl’s Laughter
    http://www.freesound.org/people/choplin/sounds/109759/
  • Phone Ring
    http://www.freesound.org/people/winsx87/sounds/152028/
Comments box:

29 thoughts on “Ep 0105 – How Critical Judgements Hurt and Pondering on Vanity

  1. dawny

    What a perdy picture of you Miss Laurie =-)

    sure love the ponderings re: vanity, and what’s ENOUGH.. both VERY sincere thinklings to me and my heart..
    ive been dealing a LOT LOT LOT with feeling my feelings and feeding my hunger, it’s not easy but it sure comes with pride when Im successful

    SO happy for new BRAVE companions joining us..

    I love all your gifts Laurie, hopefully that too validates how special and important you are to us and the appreciation that there is for you and all you do with this show etc. next to the friendship you offer and have allowed us to create amongst each other as well, when you often become doubtful about your ‘place’ and/or value
    I often start/make projects (crochet blankets) that take forever.. LOL I admire the gift of crafting..

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Why thank you Miss Dawny 🙂 I’m glad you liked this show, I was afeared it might be a touch too feisty – but what the hay. I find as time goes on I just say what’s on my mind and the ‘chips’ fall as they may. I’m glad you are getting a handle on your hunger. That is a very important piece of the puzzle. I know from experience that knowing and doing are not the same thing, but it is STILL WAY AHEAD of the game from where we were, no? Also, as you say, the gifts were so cool because of care and love put into them. Hugs and hope your green day is going well. xoxoxoxoxo

      Reply
  2. Carol from Detroit

    Thanks for the recognition on this podcast episode. You are so inspiring and caring. Just the tone of your voice is so different than back in some of your earlier episodes. I’m going to try to stay current and in between listen to your older episodes.

    I’m personally struggling with the binging this week. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m really going to focus on tasting my food and listening to my body this week. This is definitely something I need to do. My therapist wants me to stop obsessing over calories and numbers and keep an emotions diary instead. I can get so focused on calories and numbers that it’s very distracting and ultimately sets me up for failure. I have got to find a way to get past this – ugh.

    Anyhow, thanks for your thoughts and keep them coming.

    Reply
    1. dawny

      Carol, I am in on the therapists bus.. im working on this imensely.. I have trouble releasing the ‘counting’ part tho, but am finding myself more able to focus on the food, and feeling my feelings, while feeding my hunger, my learnings from intuitive eating have helped me so much.. im moving more and more away from the focus on numbers tho, and the good/bad foods and more about my body, what it wants, and how certain things make me feel.

      thanks for sharing this…

      Reply
      1. Carol from Detroit

        It’s so great to know I’m not alone. I was very successful on weight wacthers years ago and the obsessive counting, weighing and measuring are just so ingrained in me. That was when I was younger so things were just so different. Now it’s about the feelings behind the food. So glad I found this group. 🙂

        Reply
        1. Dawny

          yah I got the same weight watchers ingraining.. there arent very many foods I can’t drum up some points for.. =-(
          Trying to get that thinking out of my head to the point that it decided for me what Id eat, when, how much etc. not an easy feat, but im not a quitter..
          ive eased into a hybrid plan of my own that has helped me STOP eating (or NOT eating) based on the ppv of foods.. there’s that making all foods equal (as in none are good/bad) helps, im still very aware of healthier choices/options for sure. and do like to eat healthier

          There are so many times Im wanting to eat, when I ask myself if im hungry 8 of 10 times the answer is no.. im like huh?? then WHY are you wanting food? usually the answer is one of two things, im tired, or im bored/lonely.. it’s kind of amazing to me to realize how many times I would reach for food when I didn’t pay attention, out of habit.. like I get home now and go to the food, when I stop and ask and the answer is non-hunger, I remember the fact that for soooo long now Ive automatically just came in and ate..
          I do grieve how little food I need to satiate lol, i find myself some-times wanting to eat less (as in not over-eat) just because that means it will be sooner that im hungry again and can have something else.LOL

          Reply
        2. Cheryl

          You know, Carol, I perked right up when you said, “when I was younger…” I think we get stuck in the mindset that says we ought to be able to do the same thing the same way we did back then and be as successful. I personally don’t think about how my metabolism has slowed down since I’ve gotten older — not to mention my BODY slowing down. I demand it react they way it did and then I’m always mad at myself because it doesn’t. I’m really glad you mentioned that. There sure needs to be an adjustment in expectations as we age. Such a good point.

          Reply
    2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      You are so welcome Carol! You can listen in any order, really. If you haven’t, you might like to hear day 103 as I talk specifically about recovering from binges in that one. Also, if you search compulsiveovereatingdiary.com for ‘binge’, you will pull up some more episodes and blog posts where I’ve wrestled with it or pondered what’s under it etc. Your therapist and mine sound like they are on the same page. It is very hard when you’ve been so used to the restrict/diet/binge cycle to let go of dieting as a way out. But for me, I have found that once I began that process I really started to create progress in my life. My weight has stayed the same, but my life has really gotten better. I might be on the cusp of losing once again, but I might not be ready yet too. One day at a time. And here’s a great community based around the principles of intuitive eating. Good place for ideas and exploration.

      Reply
  3. Dawny

    happy GRREEEENNN Day..

    ive been inspired to talk about ‘mindfulness’ & ‘mindful’ eating.. a lady says “when I eat and think mindfully the weight ‘falls off”

    Tho, I have NOT experienced any weight ‘falling off’ I am working on the mindfulness part more than I ever have.. REALLY REALLY trying to pay attention to myself, FEEL my feelings NOT feed them, its sad some-times, I really have to STOP eating before im done because im full, and I often can’t eat things I want to because Im not hungry
    There are times (out of Ive learned are PURE habit) I go to reach for food and when I stop to see if im hungry, indeed I am NOT.. what? I always eat right when I get home.. hrmph.. you always do and your NOT ALWAYS hungry
    2 very often culprits of my ‘reaching for food’ when im not hungry – bored/loney and tired.. interesting
    When I eat mindfully and pay attention, and savor my food, I eat slow, savor and enjoy, I can tell when the last bite needs to be the last bite, I can literally FEEL the food hit the full-o-meter in my belly that I have sworn my WHOLE life I didn’t have.. it’s mighty interesting

    i do still eat non-hunger based, because i want to, and well, I don’t want to continue this behavior, but some-times I want things, that there isnt hungry for
    im finding my food thoughts/ obsessions are less at least there’s that
    instead of constantly thinking about food and what/when I can/will/get to eat, now my food thoughts are triggered by hunger. I can always tell when its been awhile since i ate, NOT because of the clock either, and no ALWAYS obvious hunger signals either,
    I become ‘hangry’ and I will also start thinking about food just randomly.. pretty interesting where ‘mindful’ has taken me.

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Cool ponderings Dawny! They echo so much what I feel too! Some days I am SOOOO mad that I’m not hungry, I just eat what I want anyway. Hmmm, could we be getting hints about my maintaining my weight on IE vs. losing? 😉 My food obsession is so much less than last year. I barely think about what’s in the cupboard. Tired can get me though. Don’t sleep? WANT TO EAT! hahaha Also anxious, bored feelings are a trigger still. Real emotions though, like sad, and happy are pretty much disconnected from the tummy center now. Step by step, it is a process for sure. Thanks for sharing these thoughts.xoxoxoxoxxo

      Reply
      1. Carol

        So my therapist and I are going to work my eating issues like an addiction (12 step), I haven’t seen her yet but I’ll have to keep everyone posted on the progress. I feel so new to this whole concept. It’s overwhelming but a bit of a relief & especially now knowing its not “just me”.

        Thanks for sharing your experiences and emotions. I definitely know the hangry one! Now just to catch on to all the other cues and triggers I have.

        Reply
      2. Carol

        Ps – I had two more cents to add….

        Laurie you mentioned this in your podcast about weight watchers. Yeah I agree if you need to drop 10-15 lbs its great but for people with this compulsiveness, ww just feeds into it. I got to my goal at ww once upon a time & yeah I got all the praise & my keychain but once your in maintenance you get nothing. There wasn’t a “how to continue plan” to help develop normal eating behaviors. I think I asked once and they gave me a stupid pamphlet. grrr for weight watchers. That’s it for tonight kids. Thanks for letting me vent.

        Reply
        1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

          Yep we have several big time losers with WW around here. I do think for a restrictive diet, WW is one of the best. Unfortunately, maintenance is viewed as pretty much a calorie balance thing, and once you’ve added in your points to balance out the loss, rinse and repeat. Now, if you are someone whose weight is not mostly based in emotional coping issues, then this is good information and the group support is awesome. I very much appreciated my time there for that support. However, since I am almost 100% emotionally eating based in my calorie overages, then the pamphlets and topics they used to address emotional eating did little to support my long term lifestyle coping change. WW was better for nutrition tips or low calorie tips or ways to avoid temptation at a surface level. Now, I haven’t been to a WW meeting nor used their materials for over 10 years now, so what I’m writing may no longer apply. But I really need to deal with what’s under the compulsion to have success in life. But I am also not trying to lose weight while I’m doing this, and my BMI would still put me in the obese range. But what will be will be. I’ve maintained this size without counting or getting on the scale myself for about 9 months now. My current calorie tracking is really more about food diary information to track down a digestive issue I’ve been having. I’m also working with my therapist on whether or not I might consider reducing calories a little bit. But I think after doing this for a week or so, I’m not going to restrict anything. I’m pretty happy with my energy and when I think about lowering calories it moves my mind to a place I don’t want to go. It’s not to say I never can gently lower calories in future if I choose, but I have promised myself I won’t eat outside of my own body’s cues unless I feel my mental health is uncompromised by it. Not yet for me.

          Reply
          1. Dawny

            I love this feed-back from you Laurie, it’s good to have your insight, and I have to say I could have written this exact as you have, the fact of the nutrition info etc. and tips/guides etc, it’s so very true, and I too am working VERY dilligently on learning to HONOR and RESPECT my BODY! Nobody knows anything about my body or it’s needs/requirements but IT.. lol not a calorie guru or a weight watchers plan writer either, only my body knows..

            Im SUPER proud of you for deciding to OWN your feeling of freedom and energy and acceptance of where you are in your life right now! =-) My SHE-ro

          2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

            Thanks Dawny. You know that Weight Watchers is a business. So it makes business sense that they focus on the weight loss side. That is where we pay. But I also don’t think they are skimping on purpose. I think that some of the help needed for emotionally based eating issues far exceeds what can be offered in such an environment. It is disappointing for sure, because, at least for me, I have always viewed WW as the place I can go when ready to take off weight. Heck, I’ve succeeded twice to goal. Once losing 54 pounds, once 130. But I’ve also gone dozens of times in my life where I just couldn’t stick to the program and I blamed myself for that. Why couldn’t I? Well, as you have been hearing this last year or so, Why couldn’t I is a complex question for me. It takes quite a bit of digging and individual as well as group support for me to tackle the question. No way could WW help someone with my issues long term. But I have seen WW help some people very long term. Mostly, I believe, those who just needed a new structure for eating. But I can’t know hearts and minds of folks other than myself. Bottom line, Dawny, you have done great with WW, and you are doing great now, taking on the emotional issues. With your multi-pronged approach I believe you will be a very long term success with WW and yourself. xoxoxoxox

          3. Nola

            I am a big time loser with Weight Watchers and I’m currently working for them as a receptionist (the person who weighs people and does all the paperwork at the meetings). While the program did work for me, I am becoming very discouraged and the number of people I see week after week who have been hovering around the same weight FOREVER! I guess they’re coming back for the group interaction. For myself, when I was attending WW meetings as a member the accountability of getting weighed every week kept me honest. If I stopped losing weight or fell off the wagon I would quit attending the meetings. Hence joining and rejoining countless number of times before finally reaching goal and getting Lifetime status. I can’t really say what’s going on with the lives of the people who keep coming back every week and not losing but I guess I have to commend them for not giving up.

          4. Dawny

            Nola, your telling my story..

            I too work at/for ww as a receptionist (or shal I say I am employed and have a ‘scheduled’ meeting, but am an R2 and NEVER work) and I too am VERY discouraged my the way things are/have been/turned etc.. but yah..

          5. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

            Hi Nola! Congrats again on your success. It is a big deal to reach lifetime. I would guess the people who keep coming ARE very persistent and still hope that WW will work for them – if they could just buckle down – and that for what ever reason, they are living a life of unwelcome maintenance. For me, since I was still deep in disordered thinking and eating WHILE I lost my 130 pounds, I would go many months on “plateaus” because I would binge and then restrict to “make up” for it. I also got very deep into exercise bulimia to shift my weight where I would exercise for many, many hours every day, and not feel able to eat unless I had “earned the calories/points” and this thinking then would eventually trigger another binge. This would alternate with weeks when I was able to achieve more balance and actually follow my program, and maybe drop another 5 or 10 pounds in a month, before becoming stuck once more. When I was at my heaviest, My weight would fall, since even my “overeating” WW points would be LESS than the amount I had been consuming, and any “movement” was more than I had been doing. Also, I wasn’t at the 300 pound mark for too long. I had been around 200 for most of my adult life (as I am today), so I think my body let go of the first 80 pounds pretty easily. But once I got to the weight I am today (or near it, as I don’t KNOW what I weigh today), it became an almost impossible struggle. I just kept exercising more and more, all while being pissed at myself for NOT having control of my eating. So it was a tough time, though exciting to be getting to goal again. I first achieved lifetime membership in the 1980’s – don’t remember exactly when, then promptly regained. And like you, I had many times of rejoining, and giving up before I rejoined in 1999 and lost the weight again. I’m not sorry I did WW as I learned many positive things, and met one of my still good friends there. I also, despite my bout with exercise bulimia, learned to love bike riding and hiking during this phase. I also got some darn good recipes I STILL make and enjoy today. I have said often, that group support is awesome. And WW can be an excellent path for some. For me, I didn’t know better, but with my eating issues and life issues unaddressed, there was no way I would be able to power through for more than the few years I did. For a long, long, time I felt a big failure. I had been such a WW “star” and now, here I was again, fat and no way back. I began to have a series of overuse and other injuries that meant my exercise demon could no longer function. I got older, and more dejected. I still tried and lasted on other diet plans and weight loss plans for long periods and DID manage to lose weight and gain muscle, but I never got to my WW goal again, and now I don’t expect to. It was way too low for me – even at the top of allowable WW ranges. I’m still sad about it. WW was my great big hope, the place I had been thin. The way I could always get thin again. For me to let that go was very, very hard. But I do know many successful WW people, including my WW leader who lost about 50 pounds and has kept that off for over 25 years last count! We are all different in why we have weight on us, what approach works, and how we respond to those approaches. It comes down to finding out each one, what seems to add to our peace and our acceptance. I’m mostly an emotional eater, so for me, I need to have the psychological piece there – and for me, restriction of any kind messes with my head and so I do better with intuitive eating. For some people, the need or want to lose is a different priority, and they have a very different headspace from me. They can do WW or Paleo or Jenny Craig or Volumetrics or some flavor of Beach Body workouts and diet plans and live happily without over exercise or crazy making food obsession. It seems that each of us can only do our best to find the best fit for our particular situation and times. I’m happy you found us, and feel free to have us as a sounding board, as even though we are all different, we all have empathy and compassion for one another xoxoxoxoxo

          6. Dawny

            Laurie. Yet again you astonish me with your writing. AND your story is beautifully amazing!!!!
            I’m proud of you for your acceptance and acknowledgment of your life’s journey

  4. Cheryl

    Laurie, I nearly choked when you said you were “mid-century.” I nearly fell out of the chair. OMG! We’re really ARE getting older! LOL I really appreciated Carol’s comment up above about “when I was younger.” There sure comes a time when we can’t expect our bodies to process ANYTHING the way it did when we were young. Maybe we don’t think enough about that?

    As to your reaction to the lady in the restaurant, I don’t think I would have had your thoughts, but I would have been mad all the same. The fact is there’s just no excuse for that kind of loud rudeness in a public place. I really feel like at least some of your anger was justified.

    Something else you said (didn’t write it on my note pad) about women and weight caught my attention, too. You were saying you were more self-conscious about your weight around women. It occurred to me at that moment that my mother was constantly pointing out weight issues in women, but never men. That sort of stopped me short and made me wonder why. My sister is very much like my mom that way. Has that been anyone else’s experience?

    I like the few bites yardstick when it comes to eating. Now if I could just REMEMBER that when I AM wanting something to eat. (Maybe we need to talk about memories like holey Swiss cheese!)

    Also, I missed who it was that was talking about being pre-diabetic and having to start watching their carbs. I’m type 2 diabetic and I crash very easily on carb overload. We’ll have treats between church and Sunday School on Sunday (which I’m still struggling with) and by the time I get home I am ready for bed. It’s not unusual for me to lie down and sleep for a couple hours on Sunday afternoon. I can always tell when I’m on a carb drunk. Good think to start studying.

    I appreciated your asking for good vibes and prayers on my family’s behalf. Lord knows we need all we can get right now. So thanks to every one for their care and concern. And thank you again for the picture of the prayer rocks. Brandon was so tickled. He thinks I have great friends.

    Terrific podcast!

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Haha, you like that one, Mid-century? I was inspired as in Palm Springs all of that junk from the 1950s and 1960s is now high value vintage treasure! So I guess WE ARE TOO!

      As to my reaction to the poor woman, no matter how rude she was, I was using the incident to let out some of my volcano of hidden rage. According to my therapist, whenever the reaction is WAY more than the incident, it is really about something historical. And the DEEPER AND BIGGER THE RAGE, the older it is.

      Yeppers, I have the capacity to be truly scary when set off, and I have always been afraid of that. But I am not the type to hurt myself or others, so it is all psychological fear. I see a monster inside that scares the bejeezus out of me, but it is kind of like the Wizard of Oz. – I feel small and powerless and so unleash a scary image to ‘do the rage’ work. That way it feels separate. But it is ALL me, and I am basically good and decent. So my take away, is when I feel this, take a breath, and evaluate the true level of annoyance that goes with the situation. Then to wait for therapy to let the rage monster out.

      It is Sue from the UK who wrote about being pre-diabetic btw.

      Hope Brandon is feeling better and the prayers and vibes are supporting you all. xoxoxoxoxo

      Reply
  5. Nola

    I also wanted to comment about communicating rather than isolating. I have always had a problem with opening up to others and being vulnerable. Because of this I have been a loner for most of my life with very few close friends. If I don’t put myself and my feelings out there then I can’t get rejected. I’m trying to change that, even if it is just virtually at the moment. Laurie, you are a great role model for me in this respect and I hope that I can be like you when I grow up LOL (I’m a mid-century gal too and I’m actually a couple of years older than you).

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hooray Nola, you are on the BRAVERY report for sure for stepping out of your shell and telling us your story and feelings. I relate SO strongly to what you’ve written here. I still tend to have a few “deeper” friends in real life, and am working to feel more comfortable making more acquaintances and allowing that they may or may not become friends. I’m trying to widen my circle through my writing group and my voice acting studies. It is still tough for me, but worth it. I’m SO glad you posted – us awesome mid-century gals (and guys) have shared life experiences that make us already feel closer than some of the young whipper snappers 😉 Ok, ok, young whipper snappers, you are awesome too! Just in a different way. xoxoxoxox

      Reply
  6. Happy (with my body)

    Thank you so much for the shout out (I just listened to this episode!) and for caring about me. ❤️

    Stefanie, it really moved me when I heard Laurie read your comment involving me aloud on the show. You are so sweet and thoughtful. I quit instagram when I re-entered the binge darkness. Like you guessed, hiding shame and failure by withdrawing is my way of protecting myself and my vulnerability. I know (with my rational mind) that it is a counteractive strategy, one that I will have to let go of in order to evolve as a person. But it is hard. So very hard. Your understanding and kind support means a great deal to me. Merci beaucoup.❤️

    Laurie, your greeting and virtual hug brought tears to my eyes. English is not my first language so I lack words to tell you how much that means. Just know that it does mean a lot. ❤️

    After my last contact with the BC:s I finally came out of the tunnel and the past week I have been bingefree and feeling like I am back on the right track. I finished the book Brain over binge and its message really spoke to me. I will continue to listen to the show and stop by once in awhile here at the shownotes to let you know how I am doing. I wish all of you the very best, regardless of which road you have chosen when it comes to pushing through issues with food and weight.

    Xoxoxo
    Happy

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Happy, you are so welcome. I’m glad the book spoke to you and gives you some tools to try. I’ll be very interested in your thoughts as you continue along your path. I also read this comment for show 110 because I thought it was a wonderful discussion point. It was a hard show though, because I have been so ill this past week, I think I was kind of loopy (English slang – for not paying attention, dizzy, not in best form) – SO I hope I gave your comment the attention it deserves. Hooray for connecting! Hooray for getting up when you stumble! Hooray for Happy!

      Reply

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