Ep 0038 – Why do we say ‘sorry’ after telling our truth?

Laurie smiling in her straw hat on a sunny day on the trail in the foothills.
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I’m smiling because the weather report said rain, and I got sun! (and because I took this selfie while listening to Jillian Michaels’ podcast and at this very moment, Jill mentioned how much she hates selfies. It tickled me)

Podcast Recap

It’s all about telling our truth and why we feel so gosh darn apologetic. I read an email from Steven who shares his My Fitness Pal ID, a true and brave comment from our newest brave companion, Michelle, and a heartfelt comment from my long-time friend, Cheryl, that triggers my musing at my Upper Zen Spot. Shout-outs too, to Sandy, Cherry, and my Local Brave Companion FB buddy who left a 5-star iTunes review.
A sandy hiking trail cutting through brush up leading toward the foothill ridge on a sunny day with cloudy blue skies.

The trail leading to my Upper Zen Spot. It’s a beautiful sunny and windy day.

Mentioned

Steven’s name on My Fitness Pal:

If you or any of your brave companions are on MFP – please friend me! You can find me by my nom de plume “operavagabond”

Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling This is the Amazon.com link to the book recommended by Kendra that I also purchased. Note: This is my Amazon Associate link, so purchasing from here gives me a few pennies.

My First attempt at a YouTube video bonus tour of my Upper Zen Spot. Honestly, I had to fight my perfectionistic self because of some audio trouble due to wind, but here it is! I’m proud of myself for letting it be. I can always try another day. Sometimes when we fuss over perfection on a first attempt, we don’t really allow ourselves to learn and grow from our experience.

Our new “Who are the Brave Companions” page. Come tell your story!

Newest Brave Companion Michelle’s comment on the ‘Pathetic Episode 4’. Please stop by and welcome her.

Cheryl’s fantastic insightful comment on episode 37

Cheryl’s Blog, Wellsprings and Dragonfly Wings

My Guest post on Cheryl’s Blog about Plan “Be”

The original ‘Plan Be’ Episode 12

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

My new page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day

Who are the Brave Companions? This new page is a place for you, Brave Companion, to tell a bit about your own story, to list anything you would like in order for other brave companions to get to know you better or to join you in support. It is also a place for all Brave Companions to discover new connections and to realize they are not alone. This is a safe place to be who you are, to feel how you feel, and to express what you’d like to say.
Comments box:

16 thoughts on “Ep 0038 – Why do we say ‘sorry’ after telling our truth?

  1. Abby

    Well this episode came right at the perfect time. Right before I played it I was picking fights with the husband about the grocery list for this week for no reason until at the end, when he was leaving I said “I feel like I’m failing at this, and I’m scared”. Which is why I was picking fights. Then, I went to cook a component of my lunches for the week when I really just wanted to curl up and cry because of my anxieties and fear so I put on this episode and started to cook. The first thing that Laurie talked about was how terrified she was in episode 4 and I jotted down my first note about what to write. Which is, as I just stated, how terrified I am of the daunting task of this whole journey.
    Then she talked bout Steven and fitness pal. Guess who uses fitness pal? Me. Guess who has stopped using it lately and has never allowed anyone to be my friend because god forbid they see my weight or what I’m eating or any other embarrassing detail about me? You guessed right again. So my brave act this week will be to friend Steven and try and use the app knowing that he will be able to tell if I’m not. Accountability
    Then came Cheryl’s post about control and autonomy. I’ve been saying for awhile now in my private messages with Laurie and on the spark people page that (as Laurie stated its not really about the food) and that if I’m going to change my life I need to get into therapy and deal with my issues. I’m still too scared to make the call because there’s a lot of ugly to dig up etc. This week my mother told me I needed therapy and my response (which reminded me of Cheryl) was “you don’t get to tell me what to do!” And now I almost don’t want to make the call just to spite her and because I don’t want her to be right about negative things about me. She also told me its about time I rethink meds (I’m already on meds so thanks for the vote of confidence).
    Then came the apology segment, and I realized that I think I’ve apologized in almost all of my spark people and private messages to Laurie. I don’t usually write thought out posts like this one and I usually post when I’m emotional and upset and I feel like I’m burdening everyone with my crazy. So that struck a chord as well.
    Well, I’ve cooked my tuna patties, taken a Xanax 🙂 written this post and now the dogs are crying because the hub just got back. Thanks for this episode being here just when I needed it.

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Abby, what a wonderful brave and thoughtful comment! It’s fantastic that you made a goal to ‘friend’ Steven on MFP. I think you will really like him. He’s a great guy and no worries about judgement there. As to the mother issue (boy, don’t I understand THAT one), try your best to put it out of your mind. Also, assume, even though this is REALLY hard, that your Mom is trying to help as she loves you. She’s not choosing the optimum way, but take all that she says as an option only. It’s like at a restaurant. A co-diner might suggest the Tuna, and sometimes you think that sounds good and take the suggestion. Other times, you prefer chicken or steak, or the veggie lasagna. You always have the right to choose. So just because she suggested therapy, maybe YOU are in the mood for therapy. Just like the Tuna in the prior example, her thoughts are only input. No better or worse than other input from others. You are the only decider for your life. It’s ok to do what you want to do. It is your decision that is important, not the input sources. And often times, many minds think alike or say similar things. You may have some negative things, I sure as heck do, in fact, all humans do (as do dogs and cats), so your Mom may turn out to have noticed and been vocal on some of these. But she may not have been as vocal about the positive. Therapy might help you integrate all of you. But it is all your choice when and if you are ready. Also, it is very important to get a therapist that clicks with you. So if you go and you don’t feel comfortable, find another therapist until you do. You are so brave to put out here for all of us to read how you are feeling and I thank you for your support of me, and for your support of the other brave companions. Hugs, Hugs, Hugs!

      Reply
      1. Cheryl

        Geez, Laurie, I wish you had been around to give me “mother trouble” advice. I think I would have looked at things in my relationship with mom differently. BUT, as it is, I’m like Abby. If you tell me I gotta do something, my response has almost always been, “Like h*ll I will!” Though the older I’m getting, the better I’m handling that.

        Reply
  2. Michelle

    Hello Laurie, I wanted to let you know that I am still listening, and to let you know that I got brave and have gone to see a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I have been to see her twice and now and I am already feeling better and eating much better. I also want to share what I have learned.
    I have not listened to your latest podcast yet, but had read Abby’s post. Abby I can really relate to your post, this is how I felt just before calling and making an appt with a therapist. I was depressed and decided I had had enough. So I did it, and I know when you are ready you will too.
    In short, the first appt was the therapist asking me questions about the issues that triggered my binge eating, and any issues in the past that were still causing me problems in the present. Even after the first appt, I felt a burden had been lifted, like what you are doing with your podcasts Laurie, just getting all that messy stuff out in the open was healing. So I was really looking forward to next appt.
    The second appt. we jumped right into why we keep going around the vicious circle of binge eating.
    The main reason we keep going around the circle is all binge eaters restrict certain foods, we can go for a certain period of time restricting these foods and then the body rebels against us, and craves the very foods we have been restricting, thus leading us to the fridge and binge eating again. We then have feelings of, regret, I failed again to stay on my diet , I am out of control, I am stupid ect.
    So the next monday morning, or a week, or month later we are back on our restrictive diets only to go around the circle again.
    The food I have been restricting for a long time is carbs, mostly complex carbs. The body or more importantly the brain needs these complex carbs/also healthy fats, to function properly and give us energy. The body/brain knows what it needs in terms of nutrition and when it doesn’t get these foods it doesn’t function properly. Everyone has a “setpoint weight” so when the body is either above or below this setpoint weight it will fight tooth and nail to get back to that weight, so when we are restricting foods we are fighting a losing battle with the body and brain.
    The therapist has suggested my eating follow a “Mechanical Eating Schedule” which is eating within 1 hour of getting up in the morning, and then every 3 to 4 hours thereafter. I eat 3 meals and 2 snacks daily, plus an extra snack if I am extra hungry. Your plate should consist of half veggies, 1 quarter protein, 1 quarter complex carbs, and a healthy fat, following the serving sizes of using the size of your fist for carbs and the palm of your hand for protein, no weighing, no measuring. At first I was a little frightened of eating this much food, but at the same time excited to be able to eat this much food, weird I know. Anyway, I cannot tell you how much this method of eating has helped me, I know it has only been a short while, but I have more energy, my brain is working better, and the depression is lifting. I have not gained any weight, and I am full and satisfied all the time. Am I cured probably not, but it sure has helped. The next session we go into the emotional part of binge eating, which I am also looking forward to, some hope for the future. To Abby and all brave companions hang in there, we you are ready the teacher will appear. Thank you again to you Laurie, for inspiring me to get help. I will keep you all posted as more info becomes available.

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hello again Michelle! I’m so glad you are back to commenting and sharing your awesome story. It has already had a huge impact. Besides the Awesome Ms. Abby, who’s bravely commenting today as well, The folks who email me privately are paying attention to your experience and are so happy you shared. You have encouraged many brave companions who were on the fence or worried about therapy. I’m doing the happy dance for you! I also find the mechanical eating strategy very sound. I’m wondering, what do you typically eat for breakfast? I’m picturing a half plate of veggies there. I usually do tomatoes and or mushrooms when I make eggs, but haven’t been a big breakfast veggie eater and so could use some more ideas. I too, used to restrict carbs, but found it didn’t work for me because of my high level of activity. I would bonk out on the bike without carbs in the morning, so now I tend to eat more balanced. I do prefer the higher fiber carbs since they keep my blood sugar more stable and I feel less jittery. Your therapist sounds like a very good fit, a kind and sensible person, and I couldn’t be more thrilled for you! Maybe, once you feel up to it, you might share some of your successes or tips on the bravery hotline or via speakpipe. There is a very high interest. I have many more listeners than I have commenters or visitors to this site, so I love it when you guys feel comfortable sharing audio with me that I can use to share more with them. That’s also why I appreciate so very much the time, care, thought and bravery it takes and cherish every single comment. PS. Don’t be confused when you listen to day 38, our newest listener and commenter is also named Michelle. 🙂

      Reply
  3. Michelle

    Hi Laurie, for breakfast this morning, I had 2 eggs on toast spread with advocado, then a scoop of greens powder mixed with water. The green drink I use is called North Coast Naturals, it tastes good but I dont know if you can buy it in U.S. Other mornings I will have 2 or 3 3ggs with a couple handfuls of Spinach or Kale thrown in with cheese. I like smoohies as well, I have not made one since I started the “Mechanical Eating” but was thinking protein powder, coconut oil and either sweet potatoe, brown rice or oatmeal with either a scoop of greens powder or a couple of handfuls of Kale and Spinach with cinnimon I have also just had leftovers, with raw veggies or salad.
    Your last podcast is so true, I do it to.

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hmm, I love the avocado on toast idea! I bet that tastes yummy. I’ve never made a smoothy with veg either, but I bet that would be a great way to get some vitamins in, especially when I’m in a hurry to get out the door. Thanks for sharing, and keep those veggie ideas coming! Hugs

      Reply
  4. Cheryl

    BOTTLE STOPPER! Gawd! What a wonderful image! That is EXACTLY why I apologize or put a “but” on the end of my sentences. I had to see a grief counselor after my mom passed away. We talked about a lot of things during those sessions — though, interestingly, food was never one of them… hmmm — one subject in particular is a shining example of what you’re talking about.

    Discussing stress in my relationship with his lordship, I found I was qualifying things I would say, truth I would dare to utter, by adding at the end of the sentences something like, “But I’m sure the things I do bug him just as much…” It was a way for me to take BACK the truth I had put out there because I was afraid she would be appalled that I didn’t feel he was perfect when I myself lacked so many skills in the relationship.

    Obviously I, for one, don’t feel that I’m entitled to my own truth. Why that should be in a culture that seems to value truth so much it has become just run-of-the-mill to visit a psychologist, I fail to understand. I’m guessing the reason we feel that way is different for each of us. As you said, Laurie, there’s a lot of stuff that happens growing up that shapes who we are. But at some point we MUST be able to take back our truth and OWN it so we stop using food to bottle it up the same way we use apologies when we’re trying to talk about it.

    I think maybe we need some new mantras. “It’s okay to say what I feel as long as it doesn’t hurt someone else.” “Your perception of things may not be the same as mine, but this is how I felt about what you said anyway.” Or, “Speaking my truth does NOT make me an ugly, uncaring, SELF-CENTERED person.” Maybe learning to speak our truth is where we have to start to begin taking care of ourselves. We start by getting that stopper out of the bottle.

    GREAT podcast, Laurie. And, btw, a few years ago I was at the Rose Bowl to hear Howard Shore perform the score to “The Fellowship of the Rings” for the very first time in public. I gotta tell you, I thought I was going to die walking up to the seats where we sat!

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Another thought-provoking comment, my friend. I’m having a great time with all of the “food for thought” we are getting from our brave companions. Each episode I find out more about myself from pondering all of your great thoughts and feelings. I love the mantra idea. That’s something I’ve been working on a lot with Mark, to say my truth without judgement or expectation on him. Just to say it bold and bald and let it lay. Silence is very tough for me. I guess I fill space in my tummy, in sound, in my closet! But letting that silence hold while he digests what I’ve said, has really helped us grow closer. I am so tired of apologizing for who I am and how I feel. One thing I’ve really held onto is that we can feel anything, it’s the actions that are accountable. So I try to be kind in my actions, because I still have a real rage problem. 50 years of rage doesn’t evaporate in 3 months of podcasting 🙂 But I am doing better to not let it rule me, or to feel like a creep just because of a feeling. I am doing better at noticing feelings and letting them tell me about myself and then letting them move on. And I’m starting to demand that my feelings are ok as is. No sugar coating. That is really hard. That is why I value all of your support and all of your thoughtful comments, because it helps me see the bigger picture and to realize I’m just human, not flawed, not ‘the only defective one’, not the fat one, not the ugly one. I’m just me.

      Reply
      1. Cheryl

        That is a beautiful response and should be gospel for all of us. Maybe you should start thinking about putting together a “creed” of sorts for the work you’re doing through the podcast… Interesting thought.

        Reply
  5. Karen daley

    I love listening to your pod casts. I’m up to Ep 40 now. It is motivating me to deal with my feelings. Do you recommend a pod cast for my son who is 25 and deals with this same problem?

    Thanks for all your doing.

    Karen

    Reply

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