Ep 0005 – Examining key triggers for my food compulsion – indecision and low self-worth

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Here I am with crazy hair all akimbo trying to decide the future of my podcast.

Podcast Recap

Powerful episode today. I dive deep into two key triggers for my food compulsion, indecision and low self-worth. I struggle with a key decision about the future of my podcasts and ruminate over past episodes and whether I can drum up the balls to release them. Finally I bring forth a new podcast hotline dedicated to Compulsive Overeating Diary, 206-350-6445

Mentioned

Laurie’s Sparkpeople team for listeners of the podcast and for those dealing with compulsive overeating, binge eating, or emotional eating issues who’d like support. – Closed 10/22/14 due to lack of participation

My interview with Cliff Ravenscraft, the famous podcast answerman, for my other podcast and blog, Daily Adventure Tales.

My story about my bike accident and how Daily Adventure Tales came to be.

The “ahah” moment photo

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day

Don’t Overthink It: 5 Tips for Daily Decision-Making
This article on 99U.com is much more than your average checklist. Really interesting look at 5 quirks of what underlies decisions and specifics on what to do about it. No brainer, read this one!
Comments box:

17 thoughts on “Ep 0005 – Examining key triggers for my food compulsion – indecision and low self-worth

  1. Cheryl Carter

    Loved the podcast, Laurie! I can so identify with that feeling of having a weight lifted off when you’re able to articulate what it is you’re feeling about yourself and food issues. I’m a devout journaler, and it’s been my experience that if I journal about an issue of any kind, some of the power that issue holds over me lessens. These podcast are serving the same purpose for you. We both just have to be determined enough to make these “tools” work for us.

    Interestingly, MY take away from this episode is the idea of TRUST that you were talking about. It’s so hard to trust that others care for us, love us. Our hubbies, for example, can show us in so many little ways, but it never seems to be enough because that black hole of need that’s in us that we try to fill up with food sucks up all the affirmation and cries out for more, more, more… The need for positive affirmation is just never ending. We have to CHOOSE to hold on to the truth that the people in our life care about us.

    But that made me wonder if a person can have a trust issue with themselves when it comes to their eating difficulties. Do I really believe and trust the things I tell myself about dieting? When I give myself a pat on the back and say, “You can do this, you’ve done it before!”, am I really whispering quietly in my head that it’s a load of crap, that I really CAN’T do this whole diet thing again and keep it off this time? I wonder what would happen if I were able to take myself at my word without having to analyze my motives and self-talk to death. And I just realized your resource for today might shed some light on that.

    Anyway, You’ve given me something to think about tonight. You’ve made me wonder if I’M trustworthy in this area of my life. Interesting… Keep up the good work. And yep! I’m always in your corner!

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Cheryl, that whole self-trust thing is such an interesting point. I’m going to have to ponder that myself. I’m with you sister in that I’ve done this before AND I’ve gained back the weight. I’ve also done better with compulsive eating and then reverted. It is scary to think about another botched attempt, but then, what’s the alternative? One thing I really like about this podcast is the permission I gave myself to be exactly who I am and to feel exactly how I feel. Damn the torpedoes. It makes me feel really vulnerable, but super strong all at the same time. It makes me wonder, what have I been scared of all these years? I treasure your support and I betcha your journal will be getting pretty interesting in the next day or two! Come back and post what you discover, I think it will be awesome thinking material. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
      1. Cheryl Carter

        (Laurie said: “It makes me feel really vulnerable, but super strong all at the same time. It makes me wonder, what have I been scared of all these years?”)

        Now my whole GUT reacted to your words. I’ve been sitting here trying to get up the nerve to to back to “Wellsprings…” and change direction and get honest about food like you’re doing here. Yep. Been sitting here thinking about it for half an hour. And it scares the hell out of me…

        Reply
      2. Cheryl Carter

        Besides that, I’ve lied to myself so often about food, and let myself down so often (after gaining and losing three separate times), how the blazes can I trust anything I might say to myself? THAT question is haunting me right this minute.

        Reply
        1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

          Hmmm, I think we both will learn to trust ourselves as we give ourselves permission to tell the truth and be fine with it. That is the vulnerable/strong place I spoke of. It’s hard, when you want everyone, as well as yourself, to view you well, at all times. It’s pressure and it cracks us, I think.

          Reply
  2. Kendra

    Hi Laurie,
    I am kind of behind with these podcasts but I knew I had to say something after listening to this one. You are good enough and don’t worry about marketing so much. Podcasting like this is more about sharing and really about unburdening yourself. I found this podcast and I am sure others will too ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Thanks Kendra for your insight. I think I get a little marketing-mad when I have the self-doubt, and try to “convince” folk that I (or my product i.e., podcast) is worth something. I appreciate your saying that I am good enough. That is the big key for me to open my compulsive prison. That feeling of not being good is so ingrained, and the hamster wheel I’ve been on all of my life to prove to others that I *am* good is such a tiring, exhausting burden. When I put myself out there without the protective mask, it is so scary. But it is also so freeing. For the first time I’m starting to feel that I don’t need to cover up, but I’m still at the baby steps stage of learning who the maskless me is.

      Reply
  3. Diane

    I just found your podcast and I am starting from the beginning. I can relate to so much you are saying!
    Thank you!

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Diane, Welcome! I’m so glad you found us and I’m looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts and feelings as you move through the show. FYI we call each other the “Brave Companions” because we are brave to even listen or ponder on our food issues, and we are loving and respectful companions to each other on the journey. No more feeling alone! Hooray! So happy to have a new BC Diane. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  4. Suz

    Have you ever listened to “The Mental Illness Happy Hour” podcast with Paul Gilmartin? I have really gotten a lot out of that podcast as well. Paul really takes himself to task about his own behavior and he is SO open and honest about how he’s feeling, and his behavior goals, etc. The interviews are very interesting, and you know he is sincere and knows whereof he speaks because he’s been there. He has a generous heart and a lot of compassion. I hear some similar things coming from you, and they resonate with me so much because I know where you’re coming from. I know you’re for real. Your honesty helps me to be more honest with myself. I’ve had feelings of “I’m not good enough” or been given messages like that since I was a kid. “Don’t make a pest of yourself. Don’t whine. Nobody wants to hear that. You’ll never make it in the real world if you don’t toughen up. You’re too touchy.” And the gem of them all, “Life’s no fun, and the sooner you learn that the happier you’ll be!” which now makes me laugh, it’s so absurd!
    Anyway, I like that you’re being real, and aware, and honest, and reflectively kind to yourself. It’s like we have to be our own parents (or better parents than our parents were) and talk ourselves down from the panic of being in charge of ourselves and the shame of failure and the fear of future failures. We have to be the calm voice and the guiding hand we somehow didn’t get earlier.

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Suz, just take a minute and jump ahead on the website to and take a look at Day 65. Then return to your regular programming. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Thanks SO much for your last paragraph. You are a very gifted writer, and that paragraph for SURE is going into a future show.

      Anyway, I like that youโ€™re being real, and aware, and honest, and reflectively kind to yourself. Itโ€™s like we have to be our own parents (or better parents than our parents were) and talk ourselves down from the panic of being in charge of ourselves and the shame of failure and the fear of future failures. We have to be the calm voice and the guiding hand we somehow didnโ€™t get earlier.

      Reply
      1. Suz

        Oooh! Ermergerd! I can’t wait to hear that one.
        I have to say, my initial impulse was to binge-listen to the podcasts, but I’ve found I needed more time to relisten and process, at least for now. When I hear you touch on some topics, I then think, say, let me look into my own life and feelings and see what’s in there. THEN I feel like the lady from the movie Poltergeist, who walks by her kids’ closed, quiet bedroom door, behind which is the epicenter of the haunting…she just puts her hand on the doorknob and dares a quick peek. Suddenly there is a huge loud rush of hurricane/banshee noise and she quickly closes the door and slides to the floor, still holding the laundry basket, saying “Sorry! I’m sorry!”
        But maybe with repeated listening I’ll get braver. Maybe I don’t have to post on every single episode. I feel like I want to catch up with the present, but I’m also not wanting to “cheat” and jump ahead. I’ve always been fascinated by “before and after” weight loss pictures. And my life-long wish has been to finally have an “after” picture. But the real mystery is what happened inbetween those two pictures. What was that like for the person? What do they feel like inside after achieving this? Is this really the “end?” Are you ever “done” processing the feelings, or is it a dreary struggle forever and ever? Heh. Anyway, I relistened to episodes 1-5, and will relisten to 6-8 before moving on. I may or may not write. A little overwhelmed now.

        Reply
        1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

          Hey Suz, glad to see you back around. No worries, you are free to comment, not comment, listen all at once, listen over and over, it’s all good, and whatever you find helpful for you!
          When you feel like commenting here, it’s great because then current and new brave companions will get your take on things, and comments often trigger conversations or ideas for the show. Many people, like you, find the show and then listen and comment, and read comments on the way through the episodes.

          One thing I wanted to comment on, is the idea of after pictures. They are fun, kind of like a wedding photo or a prom photo. They capture one second of your life, and if your goal is weight loss, then you have captured that second of your body. For me, I have had several. If you haven’t, when you are ready, look at my weight photos. These may encourage or discourage you, because I have been so many sizes over and over. Weight maintenence is a tricky business and many struggle. I have a motto that I use quite a bit, “Don’t think of it as ‘this time’, it’s lifetime”. Your life can be artificially divided into periods, such as childhood, before menopause, before I lost weight (the last time), after I put on weight (the last time), when I had this job, before kids, after grandkids etc. etc. etc. All of these are just external classifications. The real issue in my mind, is how do I feel about myself and how do I interact with the world today? I’ve been happy thin, unhappy thin, happy fat, unhappy fat. I’ve been everywhere in between. Even now, I feel I’ve made huge strides in dealing differently with my diet/binge cycles and what is underneath, but it still is a day to day process. So having been through many “after” moments, my best thought is to enjoy it for what it is, be proud and willing to look at it again with a smile, even when it doesn’t stay that way (after all, even if we kept the same weight by the scale, we still age, and our faces and body will change over time). I take my selfies every day to celebrate the Laurie that was living that moment. Some of my photos are more fun or flattering than others. Some were too sad and I didn’t post them (rarely). But the process of recording my life regularly is teaching me not to wait to live. That there are ups and downs of more than the scale. Victories and disappointments no matter what, not just in my eating behavior. There are people who love and care for me as I am, thinner, fatter, bitchy, supportive, the whole 9 yards. So if you are having a really happy moment, snap a pic and call that your “after”. After a joke, after a hug, after a beautiful view. If you do achieve a body goal then enjoy the ride, enjoy the moment, and savor all that went into it. I hope that whatever that might be, gives you joy and peace. My successful weight loss programs all had some positives (support of others) and negatives (triggering my obsessive/compulsive focus to the exclusion of all else) for me. Other people have different experiences. I guess I’m in a philosophical mood today. Dear Suz, as you make your choices and live your life, try to be mindful of what makes YOU happy. My life only works, such as it is, for me. This story you are listening to is just one example of one regular lady’s journey at one moment day by day. I’m glad you are taking time to reflect on what resonates for YOU. This is the very best I could hope for.
          Take care,
          Laurie
          xoxoxoxox

          Reply
          1. Suz

            Thank you so much for that, Laurie. I particularly loved the part about thinking of your “after” as being after moments, and feeling a sense of accomplishment and happiness after happy moments or thoughts or individual victories. I need to learn to look at things this way. I feel like my life has always been on hold, and I have been deep in avoidance of everything because I feel too tired and fat to participate in things. Sometimes I have a feeling that if I did finally achieve body health, I’d be too old anyway to enjoy it. Certainly too old to have experienced a happy, healthy youth and young life. I’ll never have that, but I have to find a way to be okay with it.
            Thank you so much for your caring.
            ~suz

  5. Mar

    Hi Laurie, I’m enjoying your podcasts and am now on #5. I enjoyed it and I appreciate you. Thank you for taking the time to do these. I appreciate your raw honesty and I can relate to you. I’ve lost 140+ pounds and am still fighting the fight. Thanks again and God bless. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Mar, first of all, welcome and thanks for taking the time to post! Congrats on the weight loss, that is a huge achievement. I would love to learn more of your story as you feel comfortable.

      xoxoxox
      Laurie
      PS, No worries, I moved your comment over from Daily Adventure Tales to here ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply

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