Ep 0052 – Finding my Way Not my Weight – Tales from Laurie’s Blue Mood

Laurie smells some flowers
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I stop to smell the snapdragons on my way to record episode 52 at Descanso Gardens

Podcast Recap

I emerge from a depressive Blue Mood by sharing my feelings via blog post and explain why bike riding is a good thing to combat depression. I’m shocked by an urge to go back to calorie counting after my turbulent emotions and examine why in the end, I don’t feel that is the best way for me to go. I muse about learning to use the intuitive eating movement’s hunger scale. I share my fears and decide to give up the appearance of control over the brave companions listening and commenting habits. Also featured, Taryn Brumfitt’s Kickstarter campaign to fund a documentary about body acceptance, Amanda Trusty’s awesome video art expressing her warrior-like dance claiming her own body acceptance as well as her newest video showing her fan’s own body acceptance. Shout-outs to new listener, Janet, and comments from Sue, Cheryl, Stéfanie and Michelle McK

Take a Closer Look

HD photos from this episode on FB

Pink Snapdragons in a bed

The field of flowers in the entrance bed at Descanso Gardens

Tangerine colored rose against a bed of green leaves

Thinking of Shirl, I have a flower photo safari and bag this close-up rose!

Laurie looks up under an oak tree

Always on the quest for a new and different selfie for my diary, I think things are “looking up!”

Laurie snaps a full body selfie in the full length ladies' room mirror

In honor of Taryn Brumfitt’s Body Image Movement, I take the first full body photo of me in years! (At least on purpose)


Laurie’s Big Bunch of Blue blog post

Janet’s first post on Day 47. Please welcome her!

Cheryl’s Welcome to Janet

Michelle McK’s comment on Day 49 about getting caught up

Sue’s comment on Day 50 about progress with her foot AND with her eating strategy

Stéfanie’s congratulations comment on Day 50

Taryn Brumfitt’s Body Image Movement website IHAVEEMBRACED

Taryn’s Kickstarter Campaign to fund her documentary and Great Video Short- EMBRACE

Amanda Trusty’s Awesome Dance art supporting body acceptance

Amanda Trusty’s documentary short of her fans and supporters demonstrating body acceptance. AWESOME!

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

FaceBook Page if you want to sign up for our email list by clicking Tiger the Cat’s Sign-up button

Laurie on Tumblr

My page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.


Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme:I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day

The different Hunger Scales
Cool article From the blog, Intuitive Eating that shows various photos of hunger scales and what they mean. Great to compare and to see if any resonate with you.
Comments box:

11 thoughts on “Ep 0052 – Finding my Way Not my Weight – Tales from Laurie’s Blue Mood

  1. Stéfanie

    Eating mindfully is hard for me too. I can really relate to the frustrating feeling. I guess 34 years of eating habits doesn’t go away so easily. This made me think that baby steps might be part of the solution. I too like to multi-task while eating and also enjoy that part of my meal (reading blogs for example). So my baby step will be to keep it to reading only, and keep the content related to self-growth topics. Within those parameters, I still can reinforce the mindfullness by putting the fork down (to read a paragraph or two). 🙂

    Loved this podcast. I hear you. You are doing the right thing. You are making the right choices. Love xx

    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Bonjour Stéfanie! Thanks for the supportive note from your fun time! 😉 I am not going to force myself to eat without my distractions. But like you, I am working on savoring the bite at the moment it’s in my mouth – even if the TV is on, or if I am reading. I AM giving up eating at the computer, as I don’t like the sticky-fingers on the keyboard. But as you say, ALL of this journey is a process. All of it is information for me. I try, I observe, I adjust or just let it go. I’ve been this way for 50 years, so as you say, it isn’t reasonable to be in a hurry to change (MUCH as I would love to invent THAT pill)

  2. Cheryl

    I listened to the podcast last night and didn’t quite know how to comment. There was a LOT there.

    Like Stefanie and eating while reading on the computer, I’m kind of on the fence about the eating-while-doing-something-else thing. Saturday mornings are my time to sit back and touch base with his lordship about the past week and the week ahead. That’s the morning I allow myself to have coffee and cookies for “breakfast.” Talking with him and maybe then working on my Saturday Morning journal doesn’t seem to take away from my eating experience. I limit my little ginger snaps to four, and every time I dip them in my coffee I am caught up with the flavor combination. I wouldn’t trade my Saturday morning “breakfast” for anything (we eat real breakfast at noon — I’m a hobbit, I guess, have to have second breakfast on Saturday!).

    We’ve been doing this for years, since the kids were small and we needed to carve out some time for us. I don’t think I actually eat while doing anything else other than that, unless we have a Saturday night movie and I pop some popcorn. It was always important to us to sit down to the table as a family for meals and eat and talk. Even when the kids got older — if they were home for meals! In fact, we’re having issues with Bran now because he always has his cell phone with him. But he’s 37. What can we do?

    I identified with what you said about feeling hungry not always being BECAUSE you’re actually hungry. For me fatigue masquerades as hunger A LOT. It’s like my body demands fuel when it’s tired. And while that’s a legitimate response to fatigue, my particular fatigue isn’t from my body being depleted of energy. I firmly believe it’s a side affect of some of the meds I’m on. But I’m always getting caught up in that maze.

    I wish I could get where you’re talking about wanting to be, where listening to what your body needs and eating accordingly is a way of life, but I’m a person who always functions so much better with boundaries. For me, the times I’ve lost the weight and managed to keep it off for the longest have been when I logged my food. I guess I need that structure. It does get discouraging thinking I’m going to have to do that the rest of my life. I would SO much rather be free to learn the intuitive eating stuff, but having diabetes changes the way I feel about calorie counting. I don’t want to end up on insulin, so if that’s what it takes to keep things in check, then that’s what I’ll do. And it seems like every time I’ve gained the weight back — and you said this, too — it’s because I’ve gotten tired of tracking and got lax at it. For me I think it comes down to I have to choose to do what works.

    Do you feel pressured by the process of logging itself when you think of losing again? Does it make you frustrated, like it’s not your choice if you go in that direction? I know my sister and I have both struggled with that attitude when we were going to WW.

    I sure could feel your emotions all over the place during that podcast. Wondering if you’re right about taking on responsibility for your listeners. You can’t trade one addiction for another. But this might just be a learning curve for you which you wouldn’t have realized without doing the podcast. So talking to someone sounds like a really good idea. Hang in there, Laurie. Something great is going to come out of this time of questioning for you!

    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Wow, thanks for all of the thoughtful comments and thoughts here! Just like the massive mood-swings and thoughts of the episode, your comments have much to think about.

      1) Eating without distraction. My feeling is it is ok to eat how we enjoy to eat. I do have to make sure my attention turns to the bite in my mouth, because I do go on autopilot at times. I HATE feeling like I can’t eat however I want to eat – TV, books, music, whatever. So I don’t. The easiest time I have with enjoying food is when I’m eating in the company of friends – like your family dinners, or your cookie time with His Lordship. I can take a bite. Enjoy it. Put down the fork and concentrate on the company. It is hardest for me to eat alone. I alternate between getting it over with and back to business, or mindlessly eating to fill time. From this fact, I take that food and TV etc. fill my need for attention. Because of our different time clocks, Mark and I rarely eat at the same time. So I pretend now, that TV is my dinner companion and put down the fork and pay attention to it. Then I take a bite and pay attention to that. So far, not too bad.

      2)Hunger and medical issues. So far my blood work remains stable and not in pre diabetes any longer. My cholesterol is good and everything else normal. When I DID fall that one time into pre diabetes I followed my Dr.’s advice on how often and what to eat to bring my blood sugar back down. So in that sense, I did log and plan and ate in a non-intuitive manner. I would do so again, if my blood work necessitated this. I get my blood work every quarter or 6 months as the Dr. wishes. Last check-up, she approved my amount of exercise and felt my food choices over all are very healthy – that I just needed to figure out how to modify my amounts. I must say, I LOVE my Dr. She also has confidence that my weight will fall over time, and is not concerned with me. This was very good to hear. You know what works to impact your health from experience with your Dr. too. So, I think by far it is best to stick with what your body and your Dr. tell you as we are all hormonally and mechanically different inside.


      Do you feel pressured by the process of logging itself when you think of losing again? Does it make you frustrated, like it’s not your choice if you go in that direction? I know my sister and I have both struggled with that attitude when we were going to WW.

      Yes and no. When I feel I need to lose weight, I almost feel peaceful when relying on the calorie/points count. But I DO get pissed as heck that I can’t eat what I want, because typically social foods are very high calorie and I would be starved trying to stay on track, and that would be enough to make me binge. It took years and years of calorie counting and points counting to realize, I did better overall, when I ate regularly throughout the day and then just ate what I wanted at the party etc., even if I doubled my calories for the day, because it was less than if I binged. So my main issue now is I get obsessed with logging and calories and food. My focus is on food, not people when I’m logging. Emotionally, it puts a protective barrier between me, them, and my messy emotions. Since right now, I’m trying to feel my emotions and learn how to deal with them, calorie counting, while not physically dangerous for me, doesn’t help me in my emotional goals.

      4) Cross addiction fear. This is a big one. As I’ve shared, I can go for shopping a bit, or other obsessions to replace the food when I’m limiting. This show could go that way, but for now, I’m feeling pretty well that I am separating out my own issues from it. Mostly, it is helping me to identify my feelings and to share them. My biggest fear, as you could tell from this episode, is that listeners will not be able to separate what I do for myself from advice for them or expectation from them. As I continue, I need to feel I can be true to my own journey. That’s why I’m looking into help with that.

  3. Millie

    This is a bit off subject, but was wondering if this topic has been discussed previously in your blog.
    I struggle with wanting my loved ones with whom I share this disease to address and discuss their compulsive eating with me. Particularly I am thinking about my sisters. There are three of us and what has happened in the past is that while one of us might be addressing this disorder the other two are not on the same track at the same time. We all have successfully lost weight and then put it back on. I want us all to be actively working to acheive the same goal at the same time together. This seems juvenille but it still feels important to me.
    I visited my sister 6 months ago and was shocked to find that her weight had taken her into the beginning stages of physical immobility/disability. I squaked and rallied the whole family to talk with her and loving bring her awareness to how much we were concerned about her health. I am obese as well. I am only 5’2″ and carry an extra 80 lbs. And after this visit with my sister my bing eating got even worse and I was unable to control my eating until just recently.
    Am I creating a dilema where there is none? Can I loose weight while my sisters remain miserable with obesity. My head recognizes the obvious answer, “Yes you can, heal yourself so you can help others.” Yet my heart is still sad. My “dream” is that by overcoming this disorder together it will make us all stronger and bring us closer. The reality is that we never seem to be in sync.
    I will let go of this dream. I will take actions to progress with my own healing. And I will continue to love and support my sisters as best I can.

    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Millie, I don’t find your concern off topic. Welcome! I’m so glad you found us and felt free to comment about your feelings.

      Am I creating a dilema where there is none? Can I loose weight while my sisters remain miserable with obesity. My head recognizes the obvious answer, “Yes you can, heal yourself so you can help others.” Yet my heart is still sad. My “dream” is that by overcoming this disorder together it will make us all stronger and bring us closer. The reality is that we never seem to be in sync.

      Your desire to be close to your sisters is very understandable. When you are all eating, then you share that. If you were all working toward the same goal, you would share that. I’m guessing, and again, I am NOT a counselor or trained at all, so it is just a guess, that besides the health aspect, you fear losing the closeness of your relationship with your sisters. We have all mentioned how much we hate it when we are not eating the same as our friends, the lonely way it feels to ‘stand out’ and feel left out.

      In a way, if one of you changes, then you ARE separating yourself from your sister-crowd.

      That being said, this I know for a fact. You can only change yourself. And even if you DO heal yourself, it doesn’t mean that others will then heal too. You can support, understand, communicate with others, but you cannot change them. Everyone is on their own journey. I think about when I was bingeing almost daily. If my husband or friend said, “Laurie you are EATING a ton, and I’m scared your weight is impacting your health”. I probably would have gotten mad, or felt sad that I was unable to stop. Because for me, comments from others only feel like pressure, and I tend to rebel or isolate from the painful relationship.

      However, just because *I* do that, doesn’t mean everyone will. You know and understand your sisterly relationships the best.

      Your feelings are your feelings and I believe, that you are free to communicate your feelings in a loving way to your sisters. And you are so right that you have to be willing to “Let go” of what they do with that information. For example, I’m not counting calories right now. Instead, I’m focusing on dealing with emotion. My friend IS counting calories. Does that make us separate? Only in strategy. We are both trying to live our lives as best we can in a healthy way. If she feels left out because I have changed, there is nothing I can do. If I feel not heard because she feels that her method is best for her, that’s on me, and not on her.

      I hope this makes sense. In any case, you are very welcome here at any time, and I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts and feelings on your journey.

    2. Cheryl

      Hi Millie, and welcome. I read Laure’s post before answering, and I agree with everything she said. At the same time I totally get where you’re coming from. My sister and my best friend are both overweight as well. We began going to WW together and the support from each other was so awesome that we all lost. I dropped 30 lbs. so fast I was amazed. Then we kind of all petered out. Amy and I found Calorie King and just the two of us did well. Again, though, Amy had enough. CK was starting to charge over there for being a member, and a few people like Laurie who had already left encouraged me to come to Spark People. It was a good move for me. I’ve lost a total of 59 lbs. over all from when I started at 243, but I have put 30 of it back on twice now. Sometimes I feel like I could just scream because I want to have an actual conversation with someone about it. My hubby is overweight, too, but he’s just not interested at all. He’ll listen, but it’s like talking to a wall. No response.

      It does seem to me so much harder without that support at home. And, as Laurie mentioned, so many of us have talked about eating the same way our friends do. It’s one of the biggest contributing factors to being overweight. But you can’t really “divorce” your family and friends because they won’t go on a diet with you. So in many ways I’m stuck exactly where you are. And I’ve come to the same conclusions. I guess if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will. But sometimes that’s a lonely and stressful place to be in which just sets an eating cycle up again and again. Don’t give up. We’re all here when you need to unload.

    3. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Millie, Cheryl makes a really great point! My best success with weight loss or making any change has been in the midst of a group. I lost a very great deal at Weight Watchers, due in part to a group of women that came together to go out for breakfast every Saturday after our meeting to “let down our hair”. It made such a difference to have people “on the same page”. I guess what I’m saying here, is that if your sisters aren’t in the same place as you, it might be possible to find support of “sisters in spirit”. We call each other the brave companions here because we all are doing our best to support one another on our journeys and it takes much bravery to face up to what’s under our eating issues. Some of the brave companions also go to therapy, belong to support groups or have found other means of gaining in person support as well. As Cheryl has said, feel free to say whatever you need here with us. We care!

  4. Stéfanie

    Hey Millie,
    Welcome 🙂
    I agree with all that was said here and also feel the grief you are making of an ideal situation. I guess that if you are very close to your sisters, you may hopefully influence them in a positive way by sharing the insights and discoveries YOU are making. Talking about your ah ha moments with your sisters might have that igniting effect that you are hoping for. That said, I think you drew the best conclusion yourself : while you can still aim for the syncronicity, you can start taking care of yourself right away. Both are not incompatible! Until all your dreams can come true, let us be your third wheel! Xx

  5. Diane

    I was in the middle of listening and had to pause when you said that

    “I have this huge big fear, if I eat whatever I want, I am going to gain weight…. and I have good reason for that fear because what I want isn’t necessarily what my physical body would like to have……”

    This is exactly what I think all the time! I am scared to death to let myself have what I want, because what (I think) I want to pure sugary garbage!

    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      The good news Diane, for me, is that as I go on with my Intuitive Eating practice (somewhat based on the book, but not entirely), I can now eat naturally small portions of my previously forbidden trigger foods. It is pretty awesome. And I am just now starting to crave the so called “healthy foods” a bit more than I do my “forbidden goodies”. I’m hoping that I’ll soon be able to eat as healthily I used to, but because I want to, and not because I’m watching my weight. With treats reduced to treat portion, I probably won’t gain anymore.


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