Ep 0096 – Bonus – Disappointment isn’t Devastation

Laurie in a red hiking scarf in a grassy area on the trail with trees behind
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At the next to upper Zen place on New Year’s Eve Eve, I tried to replicate my selfie logo shot since I was wearing the same scarf, but couldn’t quite get it. Guess that was a one time happy accident.

Podcast Recap

From the mountain top on New Year’s Eve Eve I ponder the difference between disappointment and devastation. Stats about the blog. Who were the top 5 posters? Which episodes or posts were the most viewed? How many sold out shows of the Sydney Opera house would be equivalent to the total views of CompulsiveOvereatingDiary.com in 2014? Sue from the U.K. goes on the bravery report by telling us in her own voice about a special Christmas service she attended. BC Fionna’s latest entry about the coming year on her own blog, Fionna Sings, is featured. More about where you can post on CompulsiveOvereatingDiary.com. My watershed moments with self awareness, fun and feeling unexpectedly fat during Mark and my holiday in the Danish town of Solvang in California wine country. Supportive comments by Fionna, Dawny and Cheryl. A surprising comment from my therapist.

Cloudy grey skies above the mountain side. A lone tree in foreground.

The clouds rolled in as the temperature dropped.

A web of bare branches against a grey sky

I thought these rare bare branches in Southern California made an interesting photo.

Mentioned

Top 5 viewed posts of 2014

  1. Assorted Photos from Laurie’s Weight Story
  2. Trusting the Mirror, Photos or Your Heart?
  3. Ep 0068 – Depression and Always Feeling Responsible. I’ll Miss You Robin Williams
  4. Ep 0004 – Pathetic or not, here I come!
  5. Ep 0080 – Bonus – Support Group Details and Help! Crazy Fears!

Good places to post on CompulsiveOvereatingDiary.com

  1. Who are the brave companions? Tell your story
  2. The Bravery Report Post here as many times as you wish whenever you feel you did something brave. Also, you can find PDF rewards for bravery and for listening to all of the episodes.
  3. Advice Wanted – post here when you WANT feedback and advice on your situation
  4. Episode Index – find the day you want to post on of the podcast
  5. Blog Post Index – find blog posts to comment on

The excellent show notes and blog that NOBODY ever visits, at DailyAdventureTales.com

The Holiday Extravaganza Episode

BC Fionna’s Blog post about the coming year

My Christmas Intuitive Eating blog post

Fionna’s supportive comment on my Christmas adventure

Dawny’s comment

Cheryl’s comment

My response to Cheryl

Intuitive Eating Book on Amazon – please use the links below

Intuitive Eating

Ways to support the show financially

Want to have Fun Being Foolish too?

Participate in our new feature called “Foolish Fun“. Just call the bravery hotline 206-350-6445 or check out the send audio page on http://www.compulsiveovereatingdiary.com/how-to-send-audio/
And tell us a joke, riddle, a silly story, limerick, sing a song, play a kazoo, ANYTHING but talk about compulsive eating. This is the feature where messing up is just part of the act! No names required and Silly Aliases are AOK! Need ideas? See Day 54’s Resource of the Day for my page of ToonaCat Jokes

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

FaceBook Page if you want to sign up for our email list by clicking Tiger the Cat’s Sign-up button

My Second Twitter Account JUST for bravery sayings @TheBraveryCoach

Laurie on Tumblr

My page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver
Main Theme:I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day


What I’m Giving Up in 2015.
on Fionna Sings. This is such a wonderful blog post that I’m featuring it here as well as in the mentioned links. Fionna considers how she may know herself in the new year and how that means more than just a familiar focus on weight loss. Highly recommended.
Comments box:

21 thoughts on “Ep 0096 – Bonus – Disappointment isn’t Devastation

  1. Cheryl

    What a wonderfully encouraging post! (Especially for those of us who have little idea what that “normal, healthy” relationship with food feels like!) While you weren’t looking you passed many important milestones but were so caught up with feeling devastated that you missed them. It’s almost like making it to the top of the scenic lookout where you emerge from the clouds and see all the valley below. It’s a very important stop on your journey. And now you KNOW it’s possible!

    And here’s a dedication that goes out there to Laurie W.! One I bet she knows!

    It’s Possible! For a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage!
    It’s Possible! For a plain country bumpkin and a prince to join in marriage!
    And four white mice are easily turned to horses!
    Such fol-der-ol and fid-dle-dy dee of course is quite possible!
    It’s possible!
    For the world is full of zanies and fools
    Who don’t believe in sensible rules.
    Who don’t believe what sensible people say.
    And because these daft and dewy-eyed dopes
    Keep building up impossible hopes,
    Impossible things are happening every day!

    It’s possible!!!

    (I’d sing it for ya, but I wouldn’t want to break your equipment! LOL)

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Thank you, thank you, thank you for that wonderful song tribute! Especially this part…

      For the world is full of zanies and fools
      Who don’t believe in sensible rules.

      I think this perfectly describes what we are aiming for (at least I am). I’m tired of rules and am enjoying discovering what is possible. Thanks for being here right along with me. And congrats on being the number 1 poster of comments for 20141! Hooray for Cheryl and her support!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

      Reply
  2. Fionna

    Hi Laurie! Great episode! How interesting to find out that the “slightly boring” feeling was actually a sign of emotional health. On my own journey, I sometimes find myself asking my husband “should I be worried about this?” I’m worried I’m not worrying enough ha ha! It’s confusing, but I think we’re on the right track.

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Yes, I totally relate to being worried if I’m not worried! I am slowly learning to be comfortable with being comfortable and not fighting with myself, i.e., nit-picking and criticizing if there is no other drama around to distract me. Creating a habit of kind thoughts around my self and my behavior has been tough, but very worthwhile. I’m glad that you are finding comfort in your own journey and that you are generously sharing it with your blog and music. Hugs for the new year! xoxoxox

      Reply
  3. Suz (Suzanne)

    Hi Laurie,
    Wow, a surprise episode! I have been fighting the flu for several days and your post lifted my spirits on New Year’s eve.
    I was thinking on the topic of devastation and disappointment and how we perceive things and whether or not we can change our inner responses by using different words. It’s an interesting topic.
    Maybe sometimes the devastation we feel at smaller things is actually unprocessed devastation from other bigger things. Or from catastrophic thinking arising from life experiences which have left us feeling unprotected and unheard. It seems there might be, for some of us, a kind of cumulative devastation that causes disappointments to become tangled up and categorized together with the feelings of devastation. Smaller triggers can balloon into bigger feelings.
    I’m not sure I know how to really identify troublesome feelings, and I certainly don’t know how to process them, especially if they are manifesting subconsciously. I guess all I can do for the moment is to keep trying to think positively, be patient, and listen to kind people like you and the BCs here.
    It seems like you have come a long way in less than a year on this journey. I hope to be closer to where you are, in my own way, someday soon. I don’t know what that will take, but I’m still trying!
    WIshing you and all the BCs the best for 21015.

    Reply
    1. Cheryl

      Oh, Suz, what you said just so resonated with me. The whole third paragraph felt to right. It’s all such a tangled mess in my mind. I know I’m eating, for example, because my daughter came for Christmas and we all tend to walk on egg shells around her. One appears not to have anything to do with the other on the surface, but it’s not HER egg shells I think I’m walking on. Where did that mosaic of crushed shells begin? When I let myself think about that I get hopeless.

      But I think what Laurie said makes sense. If I can begin to separate out what are really just disappointments and not keep adding them to the pile, perhaps that heap will get smaller and smaller till I’ll be able to see through it to the beginning — or something like that.

      I just know your comment made me sit up and say I totally get that. Great response.

      Reply
    2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      I’m sorry to hear about the flu, that isn’t a fun way to spend the holidays at all. I hope you are starting to feel better. I do think that years, or a lifetime, of feeling unheard and unappreciated can trigger a pile of devastation feelings. It’s like each and every disappointment IS that straw that is continually breaking our emotional backs. What is helpful for me, is I don’t try to really categorize the level of trigger, I just switch my conscious default to disappointed instead of devastated. If I find myself thinking or saying out loud, I’m so screwed, upset, furious etc. I pull back and use disappointed instead. 9 out of 10 times, disappointed is accurate enough and much less charged. That 10th time I can escalate from there. It helps me be more positive in my attitude, more optimistic and more forgiving of myself. Disappointed is easier to forgive for me than ‘I totally screwed up’ or ‘I’m devastated.’ I tend to hate measuring things – I even hated the hunger scale and resisted it. Luckily, I only needed that one for a few months before I internalized being hungry and satisfied. It is the same now with my emotional reactions. I had to literally tell myself over and over, ‘No, I’m disappointed’ during negative emotions until it became my default. Now my life feels much more balanced, as I said in the show, without the auto-adrenaline I was making for myself all of the time. I think you are also right that I have come a very long way this last year. Partially because doing the show made me aware 24/7. I was always talking about my feelings or thinking about how I was going to talk about feelings. Then I was very wise when I decided to go back to therapy to help me process what was coming up. Between you BCs supporting me and professional help, I was really able to dig deeply and feel safe. I can’t thank you all enough for what you have done by sharing your comments and support for me and for each other. Every thought, feeling and attribute is gold. Just gold. xoxoxoxoxoxox

      Reply
  4. Suz (Suzanne)

    Thank you, Cheryl. 🙂 So kind of you.
    It’s good to know I’m not alone in these feelings.
    When I think about it too much, I too get a hopeless, confuzzled feeling. But I also feel kind of ridiculous thinking that it should be such a huge job to try and identify and sort out triggers and calmly assess them logically and assign them a reasonable response level.
    And I can totally relate to the feeling of walking on someone else’s eggshells! Always trying to navigate the world to avoid conflict and pain. No wonder I’m such an avoider/procrastinator.

    Reply
    1. Cheryl

      Suz, I just read a blog on WordPress about making up your own words to express yourself if you can’t find one that works. It was actually a TED Talk (though I STILL have no clue what that means, LOL). I don’t know if you made it up or not, but I LOVE that word confuzzled! It’s a perfectly marvelous word. (Think I’ll go Google TED Talk and see what the heck they actually are…)

      Reply
  5. Suz

    Cheryl,
    I love, love, love TED talks! So interesting. If you find that one, I’d love to listen/watch.
    I don’t think I made up “confuzzled”, but I’ve used it for so many years I don’t remember where I picked it up.
    I should learn to blog and use WordPress. Add that to the list of thousands of things I want to do but am too overwhelmed to do!

    Laurie,
    Yes! It does feel like every new thing is the last straw. It feels exhausting and bewildering and it’s hard to know how to cope.
    I have taken weight loss classes which included the hunger scale. I had a hard time with that, too. It’s partly why I’m delaying trying Intuitive Eating. I don’t think my body and my mind communicate well enough. And even if they do, I think my body is so screwed up it is sending the wrong signals. Signals of frantic addiction. And those signals are so noisy and so insistent, I can’t seem to overcome them with my own thoughts. It just feels like I’m trying to fight them. But then the resistance fatigues me, and I give in. I don’t even feel guilty any more about it. It feels like I don’t have a choice because I am just worn out.
    Well! That sounded pathetic. I Just haven’t found my path yet.

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Suz, I listened to an episode of Alen’s show yesterday with Brooke Castillo that I think you would enjoy and find comforting. Basically our first steps are to decide to treat ourselves with kindness and move on from there to build positive habits.
      Coach Brooke Castillo on Making New Habits, Mindfulness, Self Kindness and Planning Decisions
      A big challenge with all scales (even the self assigned 1-10 variety) and the compulsive mind, is we stress over it to make sure we are assigning it perfectly and that’s a big pain. Easier to say fugettaboutit. Right now, when I think about my own body balance number, a scale I created for myself, I simply ask myself every morning what it is. A number pops in my mind and then I think about why. But you are correct we all have our own issues and different paths work for them. However, I’m super proud of you for communicating how YOU feel and for hanging out here. I know how brave that is. xoxoxoxoxxo

      Reply
  6. Lisa

    Hi Laurie,

    I am new to your podcast. I was in bed, sick with the flu, yesterday. I went through the first 12 episodes, so haven’t heard the one everyone is talking about here. I don’t know if you still wonder if you should continue as that is a theme from your first ones. I want to say KEEP GOING! Others will find you and be encouraged. It was like being with a good friend, keeping me company and sharing her heart. I didn’t want to stop listening, and I am so relieved that you have kept going through the year.

    I am a compulsive overeater, too. I use sparkpeople and my fitness pal to track food and exercise, and to find a community. I maintained a 60 lb loss for 2 years, and then this year, began to eat along with my husband, who can stop eating when he feels like it. I am back up 20 lbs, and have decided to get back to the life of health and fitness that I enjoyed those two years.

    I just want to again say that your story and journey are so special. Don’t stop!

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Lisa, thanks SO much for taking the time to stop in to encourage me! Welcome and we are glad to meet you. I know what it is like to have the weight come back on and to take it off and on etc. It can be exasperating! I’m glad the show was company for you while you are recovering, and hope you feel better soon! We used to have a SP team for the show, but not enough brave companions (that is what we came to call ourselves, those that listen and participate) used it to keep it going. Over the course of my show, it’s over 47 weeks since I began, I changed my focus from weight loss to rebuilding a healthy relationship with food, so I am no longer actively trying to lose weight. But several BCs are on various diet and/or exercise plans that suit their needs and journey and all are welcome here. I look forward to getting to know you more, and you might skip ahead to Day 97 when it comes out, because I will say hello to you there! Hugs,
      Laurie

      PS, I had to edit this comment because I spaced on day 97’s recording. I meant to say hello to you in that show and feature your comment, because I LOVE that you found the show and took the time to post. But that recording day was chaos for me and I didn’t get it done. However, I will move it into day 98. It’s all progress, not perfection for me these days. Thanks again for your encouragement and I hope you are feeling better xoxoxox

      Reply
  7. Stéfanie

    Hi Lisa!!! WELCOME to our community! Feel free to add me on MFP, I am .mapoos.

    About devastation VS deception- Something you said triggered a thought. You said that we sometimes feel like we are devastated and that triggers the need for comfort, and comfort in our case comes in the form of food. Which is so full of sense. Since your podcasts, I am getting better at identifying feelings that trigger food behaviors.

    Sometimes I wonder if it is the other way around – what comes first? Could it be may it be that 1) we are in need of comfort, 2) therefore we amplify small things that bother us to create a ‘really acceptable to us’ reason to be comforted? OR… we want to eat, therefore we unconsciously create a pattern behavior (amplify/comfort) that is ‘an acceptable excuse’ for us to do so?

    It’s the egg or chicken dilemma!

    Stéfanie xx

    Reply
    1. Cheryl

      Stéfanie, my head just went tilt reading your second paragraph up there. Honestly, it scared the tar out of me to think that food controls me behavior to such a great extent. But then I stop and think about and I have to wonder who is in control of who in my body… Great comment to ponder on.

      Lisa, hello! Hope you’re feeling better by now. What a horrid way to jump into the new year. Welcome to the community. Will look forward to getting to know you.

      Reply
      1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

        Cheryl, again I think you have hit the heart of the matter.

        it scared the tar out of me to think that food controls me behavior to such a great extent. But then I stop and think about and I have to wonder who is in control of who in my body

        For emotional eaters, and/or those with disordered eating thoughts and patterns, our eating is all jumbled up with everything – our self worth, our fears, our sense of protection, our anger, our self-hatred, our self-soothing – so many things. And this is all on top of being actually hungry, wanting the cookie because it is freshly baked and smells good, social cues, family norms and habits. My goodness, to sort it out every time we take a bite or think about taking a bite is exhausting.

        So I try to just know all of the above and pay attention when things change or are different for me now. I especially pay attention when the answer isn’t apparent to me. I know when the cookie smelled good and so I ate it. No mystery there. I know when I am hungry now for the most part. But some of my emotional eating is still a mysterious tangle and that’s what I bring to therapy. Last night, as I described in my answer to Stéfanie, I had a pretty major binge episode. I have some ideas, but no answers. I had done all I knew how to do to nip it in the bud, and yet the Robot Aliens came to call. So there are reasons I went this route and I will probably spend some time once my disappointment in my behavior and my poor over full tummy has had time to settle down. But I’m proud I can say I’m disappointed and not devastated by the binge. Over all I’ve been doing great, and this is just some other issue I need to process or learn from. xoxoxoxox

        Reply
    2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Well Stéfanie, you surely have given me more to think about, because what you say here really hits the mark with me.

      Sometimes I wonder if it is the other way around – what comes first? Could it be may it be that 1) we are in need of comfort, 2) therefore we amplify small things that bother us to create a ‘really acceptable to us’ reason to be comforted?

      I think the deep down feeling of ‘not good enough as we are’ does cause us, at least me, to subcounsciously catastrophize as a way to:

      1) justify saying no when I don’t want to do something but don’t feel I have the right to just say no.
      2) get attention from someone – “Look how BAD it is – attend to me now”
      3) keep me from taking risks – “you have NO chance of success because of (fill in the blank)

      So yes, I think the ability to step back at some point and differentiate true disaster and danger from disappointment, and to figure out our needs for attention and connection vs. doing things or saying things to escalate situations will serve us well in our journeys. Food gets ALL mixed up in this for me. It can be my substitute anger, substitute arms to hold me, substitute lifejacket to hold me afloat during fear, the way to keep my fat on to keep me separate from you (the world) all kinds of things. That’s why all of this work on figuring out emotions is so important to me. My poor eating response is all mixed up in my living response, and I want to rewire myself to feel and respond to non-food issues in non-food ways. But boy is it tough. Despite my good intentions and my walk yesterday, I had a binge to end all binges last night. Been probably over 6 months since the Robot Aliens came to call for such a lengthy visit. Will have to spend some time sorting this one out. But at least I know it’s some issue and not my usual response, that I am just a bad, unworthy person. xoxoxoxox

      Reply

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