I don’t know what I weigh and my compulsive mind is declaring all out WAR!

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Laurie shrugs

How the heck can I *KNOW* what I weigh? The scale is in the garage and my heart is pounding like mad. Can I be addicted to the number?

Good-bye Sweet Scale, I knew him well…

Day one of our separation, my former beloved scale and me. I’m surprised by how very much I miss our dysfunctional relationship. How I defined my life by trying to meet its irrational needs.

The closest thing I can compare the antsy, ‘don’t know what to do with myself’ feeling is to when I gave up smoking. Giving up smoking is HELL on WHEELS. I had to spend about 1000 months sitting in the bathtub eating Milk Duds because I never smoked in the bathtub and the sugar gave me a rush similar to the nicotine.

Lordy, I haven’t thought of that in years!

How can NOT stepping on a physical object give me withdrawal symptoms? This is NUTSO! Suppose I just hadn’t gotten around to stepping on it yet, I wouldn’t care. It’s the whole “quitting” thing. But what am I ACTUALLY quitting?

The scale is a symbol of my deeply entrenched diet/compulsive/binge cycle. It’s the arbitrator of when I do what actions in this cycle. It’s the Lord of my brain. The director of all. The Czar of potato chips or broccoli. How can I cope all on my own?

Hmm, even rereading these true feelings kind of gives me the willies.

Let me try logic to calm these feelings – doesn’t usually work with me, but let’s give it a go.

Self! Listen Up!

  1. Our body weighs whatever it weighs whether or not we are on the scale.
  2. The scale never changed one once of weight.
  3. We did that by our behaviors.
  4. We BASED our behaviors on the FEELINGS generated by the daily scale number
  5. How did THAT work out for us HMMM??

Hmm, logic is kind of bossy. I don’t think I respond well to bossy while in the painful throws of withdrawal. Let’s try empathy. More my style.

Self Honey, Come let me give you a hug!

  1. That scale has never been kind to us and we deserve kindness and respect.
  2. I love you self no matter what we weigh.
  3. It’s OK to be whatever size we are because we are MORE then just our body.
  4. I know it’s scary, but the scale can’t tell us how you feel inside.
  5. It’s going to be ok. We can trust our body to tell us what to eat.

Wow, I feel kind of better with the empathetic approach, but still suspicious and slightly pissed off. Like when your mom tells you you are pretty when all of the kids call you names based on your looks, and when the therapist says how good you are when you are paying money for them to be “into your feelings”. Nice to hear, but I can’t quite let it in.

How about I try the rational “What the hell have we got to lose?” approach?

Self, let’s think about this together

Q. Self What’s the Worse that can happen?

A. I can gain 100 pounds and not notice.

Q. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being not a chance in hell, and 10 you can bet your life, how likely is that to happen?

A. Umm 2?

Q. how likely is it you will start to pay more attention to your inner feelings without a daily weigh-in?

A. Umm 10?

Q. And on a scale of 1-10 if this doesn’t work out for us, can we change our mind?

A. 10, but I would look like a failure and a fool if I changed my mind.

Q. What’s wrong with that?

A. I’d feel badly

Q. Why?

A. Because if I appear perfect and good and that all is well with me, people will finally accept me.

Q. Who has accepted you more. The scale or the brave companions who know you are NOT perfect?

A. I guess we can toss the Milk Duds.

If you’d like to know how I finally arrived at the decision to ‘garage’ the most important thing in my life, I describe it on Day 64 of my podcast.
Comments box:

7 thoughts on “I don’t know what I weigh and my compulsive mind is declaring all out WAR!

  1. Stéfanie

    Hi Laurie,

    Today, I’m a 6.

    I am deceived because as you know I have been doing renovations here and because I am doing all of this myself with BF and family, sweating, lifting heavy stuff, and working real hard, having much less tendency towards the cupboards as I am quite busy, I was really hoping I’d loose some… But no. I’ve gained. I know, I know… My logical mind says it’s muscle building and other rational reasons, but my heart is sighting. I was really looking forward to those extra pounds off.

    Man, do I ever wish right now I could let go of the scale.

    Aside from this, budget and schedule is on track, so it’s not all bad. Also, I am having quite some fun with friends, family, and with my BF too. I’ve often heard that renovations are hard on a couple, but we are doing quite fine, enjoying each other’s presence, knowledge, and discovering strenghts and things to admire in one another. So that’s good.

    I’d like to say HI to new BC’s! As quite a few have hopped in since I last posted, this is a bundle HI to all of them!

    Also, koodoo’s to you for all your brave moments, going to that class, giving up the scale, getting ready for the bike race, putting on that ‘Buy me a coffee’ thing (Why can’t we choose the amount we are giving? I had aimed at another (bigger) amount I wanted to give but could not do so!).

    I haven’t thanked Alan Standish yet for his answer to my secret topic. I will do so right after this! That interview was great!

    Hang in there with your scale struggle!! As I was driving home yesterday, I heard this thing about habits. It takes about 21 days (more or less) to let go of a habit and acquire a new one. I’m not sure that’s useful knowledge as it’s (again) quantification and I know you’re working on being more intuitive, but in the big scheme of things, it simply reminds me that whatever I’m trying to change, change IS NOT EASY and makes me more self-acceptant of the struggle it involves. Each step is huge and can be celebrated.

    OK well, just wanted to say HI, lots of stuff to do!
    Stéfanie xx

    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Oh my goodness Stéfanie, what a lot of things on your plate! I know what a PAIN it is to be disappointed in the horrible scale, but it is true that exercise makes you retain water and it also makes you hungrier. That’s why exercise isn’t the best method for weight loss.

      However, HOORAY for your great relationship and for the fun you are having making your home wonderful together!

      Lots of new BCs have been coming over to participate after hearing me on Alen’s show. How exciting! I’m so glad that we are being a positive place for change.

      I have been brave, but also very whiney and feeling needy and scared. I’m digging deeper into my issues and it HURTS. I’m also doing something VERY scary tomorrow which I’ll talk about next show. That makes me want to munch, but so far, I’m keeping my hands on the keyboard and off of the chips until I get hungry.

      The $5.00 coffee is because I found out that Donation is really only for non-profit organizations even though many podcasts use a button that way. I didn’t want to misrepresent or get my account frozen. To have a NON donation product is ok, but I have to set a price for it. I felt $5.00 was fair for a thank you without pinching anyone. In future, I will have some e-products, like the book I’m working on, that people can buy to support the show as well.

      I’ll be happy once you are done with your renovations, you are rested, and ready to be back here sending your secret topics etc.

      Miss you when you aren’t here, but I’m fine sending you xoxoxoxoxox in my heart.

      Ps, I’m a 6 today too. Nerves made me crave junkie
      food, though I didn’t eat much, I don’t feel as in tune as when I eat differently.

  2. Dawny

    LOVE this.. It was AWESOME to see the conversation you’ve shared with your rational and irrational self.! I see myself in you soooo very much!! and being able to look at this like this, the way you played it out, is AMAZING.. it’s so spot on!! you are VERY VERY brave, and Im VERY VERY proud of you! and… I LOVE your photo.! you look soooo happy! =-)

    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Thanks Dawny, it was actually a fun one to write – AND I was literally writing down what I was thinking. I’ve done pretty well today, feeling better. Still a bit like a ballon without a basket floating who knows where…but maybe I can enjoy the view! I think you are very brave too, with all of your participation and trying new things. It’s pretty awesome!

  3. Cheryl

    LOL! This was perfect! When I was talking in one comment about changing our “relationship” with the scale, you certainly took me at my word! It all sounds very codependent! I think this is one of my favorite posts! THIS is the tone your “book you’re going to write” should use!

    Besides being so funny, there was just so much good sense in what you posted. You just keep getting better and better at this.

    I’m a bit behind from being out of town, but I’ll get caught up asap!

    Great job, Laurie! xxxxxooooo

    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Welcome back GF! I’m so happy to see your comments gracing the place once again. I have more to say about the wonderful regrets post, but I’m just back from bike riding and need to go grab a bath before recording today’s show. I am DOUBLE happy you liked this tone, because that is EXACTLY what I’m going for in the book I’m working on. It’s a set of conversations and essays between me and the “people in my head” who all have inner opinions and critiques about every thing I do around food, fear, friendships, life, love, you name it. I find putting the dialogue out on the page is a good way to deal with the suckers, and it amuses me too 🙂 So the scale post was kind of a trial balloon for me to see how I enjoyed this format etc. So for YOU madam writer lady, to think is book worthy, makes me happy and helps confirm my inner sense of direction.


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