My Mortifying House of Dusty Horrors!

Laurie looks horrified in front of a table piled high with crap (figuratively )
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Oh the HORROR! A technician needs to unexpectedly come into our recently cluttered and dusty house of horrors!

The Fall of our Internet (and my house pride)

Our internet connection has been ABSOLUTE CRAP and getting worse for months. TV shows drop (we only stream), our phones dropout during wifi and each of my podcast shows takes about 1000 hours to upload its media file vs. the expected 10 minutes. AND we pay a premium of moola for the “fastest” internet from AT&T. Hooey. Finally. Mark couldn’t take it any more and braved the phone tree of death to actually book a technical dude to come to our house to check out the situation.

When I heard this news, sitting in a flurry of Tiger fur and undusted EVERYTHING and noting the piles of crap on every surface that we have NOT put away from our last several trips, I’m not happy to have a technician visitor. No WAY can I clean or even stuff every thing safely away in the next 20 minutes.

The trash bin in the guest bath is overflowing. I have turned our dining table into my stack of recording, hiking and bike stuff of late. Paper stacks abound too that I haven’t taken care of. I don’t even WANT to think of my downstairs guest room, where I have been stacking random scripts and electronic equipment as I try to figure out if THIS is the space I want to create a recording studio in. At least front living room isn’t too bad,

‘No Worries hon,” Mark is cool as a cucumber having the advantage of being absolutely house blind when it comes to clutter and dusty cobwebs and dust bunny tumbleweeds floating by after our shredding cats pass by.

Mark is hopeful. “Last time it was the outside line, he probably won’t even have to come inside, AT ALL.”

“Think so?”

“Could happen” he shrugged and looked away.

“Ok, well I want to practice my voice work after he leaves, so I hope it gets done quickly.

Tick Tock Tick Tock. – Arrival of the very nice and knowledgeable technician at the VERY last moment of our appointment window. I’m worried because our current modem’s wire is trapped behind a WHOPPING big desk and hutch BOLTED to our wall for earthquake safely. I want to know if I should start removing books and knick knacks and calling in big bruiser men to bribe with beer, as NO WAY are Us 3 folk unbolting and moving this gigantor of whole wood, not plywood, furniture.

“Oh no, even if we DO need to change the modem, it’s just plug the new one into the wire.”

I feel better as techno Joe performs his outside line tests.

“It’s the modem Mam. I need to come inside”

“NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!

Stripped of pride or even hope

Techno Joe professionally entered our abode, eyes focused ONLY on the required outlets and cords, manfully not mentioning the piles of cat fur floating around in cat hurricanes like fluffy dandelions. When his tool box was set in a pile of Tiger fur,he didn’t flinch. I immediately ran to the broom closet to sweep under his bag and act surprised the “cat fur has piled up so Quickly since the last time we swept (maybe a month ago – but that is our little secret.)

All is fine, except Techno Joe doesn’t like the cord that is currently attached behind the immovable hutch. We may need to move the hutch.

“How about moving the modem to a new location?”

“Great idea,” Techno Joe says looking relieved us three won’t be trying to wrestle the Goliath furniture that IS my computer desk, Where are your existing phone outlets?

“Oh we had a TON…,” smiles my handy sweetheart, Mark, “Until we remodeled and then we plastered over most of them… I think there is an acting jack….in..THE…GUESTROOM,”

“Nnnoooooo, ANYTHING but that!” The guest room is stacked, piled and otherwise hoarded with my electronics, various sizes of my clothing waiting to be sorted, tossed aside childhood stuffed animals, our legal papers of which I’m trying to put into some order to shred or file, and ALL OF THIS IS SCATTERED ALL OVER – Including the entire surface of the bed, which I will NOW have to dismantle to let Techo Joe examine the phone jack to see if it is working and good enough to support our shining new speedy wireless router.

“How about the living room,” I inquire hopefully?

“Think that was yanked in the remodel.”

Seeing no way out, I had to re-pile ALL of the ecletic crap helter skelter in under two minutes into my closet and around the perimeter of the guest bedroom as Mark watched me take the bed apart and carry the mattress, BY MYSELF over to the side of the room. THEN he said, “Need some help hon?” ERRRRRHHHHGGG I wanted to kill HIM. TECHNO JOE and ALL MEN who think springing technicians on their wives when the house is CRAP is a good idea!

Ok, this horrifying event had happened, and Techno Joe was there, in the forbidden room of endless junk. What more could happen?

“I don’t think this will work well after testing the line. Anywhere else I can try?”

“Well we COULD check out the living room after all,” said Mark reasonably.

“WHAT???? Isn’t that what *I* asked for BEFORE you had me dismantle the F-ing GUEST DUMP?”

Mark looked blank. Techno Joe only wanted to actually find a spot to do his job,

At least the living room was halfway decent and not filled with junk.

“Here we go”, I led Techno Joe to the last known phone outlet by the blanketed table the cats sleep on. He bent over and THEN I notice the blanket is NOW FILLED WITH CAT BARF and HAIRBALLS! OMG, what more can happen?

“Er, let me get these blankets out of your way.”

I whisk the offending cat soiled items off the table and into the wash, bearing a slim hope their disgusting state had passed Techno Joe’s notice.

“This jack doesn’t have strong signal. Anywhere else?”

“I don’t know, Techno Joe, Do you think there is ANY ROOM LEFT IN THIS HOUSE THAT IS TOTALLY EMBARRASSING TO LET A STRANGER INSIDE OF?”

“What about the upstairs closet? It is the main line connection. Should work” says Mark.

I’m defeated and totally hoping no sex toys or other treasures are in there. But Techno Joe Assures me, that he’s seen it all.

Mark assures me our house isn’t as messy as some, and Techno Joe has seen ALL KINDS of CRAP in his work. All kinds of people are messy (including us now, I say under my breath) and he doesn’t care.

Eureka!

This location works! We fire up our devices and I can work on my computer EVEN when the TV is streaming, AMAZING! Mark can stream all kinds of data on his phone as well. We shake techno Joe’s hand. Good job dude!

But it is TOO late for voice practice and my lungs are wack from moving piles of crap in our cat-dusty house, so I shrug my shoulders and give it a rest.

Early to bed, Early to rise.

Example of every day is a new day

Got up, wanted to walk around the park before it got TOO DARN HOT, but my shoes were worn and I worried about my feet getting more sore from lack of support. THEN a miracle. As I was re-arranging the guest room pile of crap in the closet, I discovered…

Photo from above of white new balance sneakers on Laurie's feet.

One benefit from hurriedly cramming crap into various closets one hasn’t looked at for months, is I discovered a BRAND NEW pair of New Balance Kicks I forgot I had purchased. As my current sneaks are worn and not supporting my feet, this was an awesome and cost saving surprise. Wonder what ELSE lurks in the depths of the guest room closet?

Had a darn nice walk this morning…

Landscape blue skies over grey green foothills, oak trees and grasses in foreground.

Kicking view of the foothills today from the park where I tried out my new shoes and updated my music picks to Soph via Instagram

Got home in time to do laundry, post this, and I will now get to voice practice before class.

Miracle of Progress

And with this nightmare come true of having my messy clutter exposed, I didn’t blink, binge or hate myself. I shrugged and noted that I prefer my house to be different than what Techno Joe had to see. Time to work on that. I’m glad I’ve been working on me so the shame didn’t derail me, nor cause me to scream like a shrew at Mark, nor blame him, nor to do other than notice it isn’t pleasant to have your secret shame unexpectedly revealed. Who knows? Maybe it is all of the practice I have sharing the less than perfect parts of my life with you BCs that kept me emotionally on track and let me sleep easy despite the House of Horror experience.

What’s next? I’ll suddenly FORGET to wear my clothes to class?

Sigh

Comments box:

13 thoughts on “My Mortifying House of Dusty Horrors!

  1. Dave

    Our house gets quite messy too and it stays that way until about an hour before guests arrive.

    It is awesome the way you handled your guilt. No screaming at your hubby no bingeing. You even handled the stress of not getting your voice work completed. Plus you over came the weaseling out of going for a walk (worn out shoes).

    You deserve an At-A Girl you rocket it!!!!

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hey Dave, thanks for sharing that you are one of the “I’d rather do anything other than clean the house” tribe same as me 😉 This occasion was pretty awful, but I used my humor to diffuse it for myself so the chips wouldn’t call my name. Thanks too for the kudos and understanding. This support always helps, and believe me, that was a CHALLENGING day! Looking forward to reading (and possibly hearing) more of your thoughts! I’m also looking forward to virtually meeting your wife if she is up to it. Tell her Welcome! from me and the BCs. xoxoxoxoxox

      Reply
  2. Dawny

    Oh my goodness you made me belly roll laugh out loud. You are hysterical!! I think you should write…. Not voice act lmao lmao. A comedy script !! Your awesome lady.

    Yay for high speed.

    I called our cable co to see what I can do to reduce my bill. “We have your pkg On Special right now $15 less & comes with the 10 HBO channels. Wtf?! And you don’t tell existing customers unless they call *sigh*

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      I think you should write…. Not voice act lmao lmao

      Er thanks…? No, I get you. You enjoyed this story. I would have rather TOLD it, than written it. I haven’t the patience for cleaning my writing up. But I can’t remember if I told you or not, I have been a humor columnist twice. Once for Weight Watchers of Washington long, long, ago, and once for a professional forms and business management organization. The first was my wacky weight loss adventures, called ‘Thinside Out’ and the other was me explaining technology to business people called “Ask Ms. GeekSpeak”. So I like humor quite a bit. But I won’t give up voice acting for it. I’m hoping my sense of humor will start to shine through in my acting once I have enough experience. xoxoxoxoxox

      Reply
  3. Cassie

    Cleaning lady! I’m poor, but I so need this with a full time plus job , she comes in once a month and I pay $40. Totally worth it! I can fake clean til the following month. $10 tip optional but recommended.
    XO

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hooray! I LOVED my cleaning lady when I was working. It is my obsessive perfectionism that is stopping me now. Ever since we redid our house, EVERY DANG surface is tricky to clean. You no longer can slog Windex and Comet around. My bath has 7 different surfaces that require difference cleaning techniques. I’m working on letting this go, and accepting the house CANNOT be perfect and others can clean as well as me. But it is a real problem for me. Thanks for the support Cassie, it feels better just admitting it. xoxoxoxoxox

      Reply
  4. Cheryl

    I learned a long time ago that I never have to see those guys again, so why should I give a crap. None of them know anyone I know to go blab to! And if you need a real boost, keep a recording of Hoarders on your VCR at all times for a medicinal fix just before repairmen come to visit! You’ll think your house looks great when they get there!

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      I wish I could say the same. But I was so triggered because I have been hating the state of our home for a long time. It was really all about me and not about Techno Jack. *I* don’t like living like this. So the good news is that Mark and I are starting this week to break down in small pieces what we can do to get our house back in order. Not fun, but I will feel so much better. Then we may look into a cleaning service as well to help in future.

      Reply
      1. Cheryl

        I would so love to be able to afford someone to come in maybe even once every other week to do my bathroom and kitchen. Especially the floors. It’s the bending to clean that I can’t do. I used to try, but spent so much down time trying to unkink things in my back that I finally just said to heck with it. When it gets really necessary, Arn is a big help. But even he is having trouble with his knees now.

        Reply
        1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

          Oh man, I get that! I’m about to haul all of the furniture out of the family room so I can get the cat fur vacuumed out, and it used to be SO easy for me, not so much lately. Mark has more and more physical problems of his own, and can’t help that way as much as he used to. Sigh. Oh well, it’s show time! Off to the cleaning gauntlet with me.

          Reply
  5. Jo

    My house is low on my priority list, and try to keep the basics clean – but with a dh who has no interest or inclination to assist I find myself sliding farther from the clean house that would make me feel better I am sure 🙂

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      LOL! Yep, I’m there Sister! With us, Mark does help, but is more focused on the garden. We both enjoy when the house is NOT so mortifying, but it is a huge challenge for both of us to get our focus there instead of on some other shiny thing. I’m happy to report, that while we have had some hairy moments, our house NEVER approached that level of mortification again. Sending small task house vibes for you! That is the only way I can stay afloat. A little most days and an occasional big project day. xoxoxox

      Reply

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