Tag Archives: Rachel

Ep 0120 – The Grand Finale

Laurie and Mark in front of the mic
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So long, Adieu, Auf Wiedersehen, Adiós, Cheerio! From Mark and me in our new sound studio. We’ve had a great time making this show and we send you much love along with it.

Podcast Recap

The epic end of the series. I visit all three of my regular podcast spots and walk down memory lane as well as look toward the future. Features include – a new song by BC Fionna Lane titled A Light in the Dark. A live radio play written by BC David Glowen, directed by David Babich and starring professional and student voice actors. Good-bye audio messages from Cheryl, Sue from the UK, BC Dave, Stéfanie from Quebec, María from Spain and Fionna. Foolish Fun with Dawny Taylor. Stéfanie’s Secret Topic. Stories read by members of the writing group. Good-bye comments from BCs. We welcome the last new BC, Petra. An interview with Alen Standish. Hear my work in the sound booth with voice acting director David Babich as we work on my professional demo. Mark stands in one last time for my scale, and much much more!

At Descanso Gardens

Laurie blows a kiss near an oak tree

A kiss from Descanso Gardens


A wooden bench near an oak tree

The actual podcast bench by the dry river bed at Descanso Gardens


dry river bed

The view of the dry river bed from the podcast bench at Descanso Gardens

Mentioned at Descanso Gardens

Cheryl’s blog, Impromptu Promptlings
Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin’s Win the Diet War

Ways to continue to support the show financially

At The Podcast Rock at My Local Park

Laurie in glasses smiling with hat brim turned up

I’m having fun recording Stéfanie’s Secret Topic on the podcast rock


Boulders in the woods under trees

The actual podcast rock from my local park.


trees and brush in the back of the park

The view from the podcast rock at my local park

Mentioned at the podcast rock

Alen Standish’s new show, Inner Effort
Write It Up! The Writing Group Mark and I attend
Stéfanie’s IG account, Weightloss_Stef

At The Next To Upper Zen Spot

Laurie holds her recorder near her face. Slightly sad look to her eyes.

That’s a wrap! I just got through recording how much I really, really, really, really, really care on day 120.


Wooden bench in some brush near a tree

The actual bench at the Next to Upper Zen Spot

Sunrise seen from the mountain

The early morning view from the Next to Upper Zen Spot the day I finished recording Day 120

Mentioned at the Next to Upper Zen Spot

Actor and Director, David Babich
Fionna’s Blog, Fionna Sings
My Bravery Twitter Account, TheBraveryCoach
My IG Account, LaurieDreamWeaver

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver
Special Guest interview: Alen Standish of Inner Effort
Special Guest interview and Laurie in the Sound Booth Voice Acting Direction: David Babich of David Babich Studio
Laurie’s Stories Intro Announcer: Mark Weaver
Dave vs.The Robot Aliens Written by: Dave Glowen
Dave vs.The Robot Aliens Directed by: David Babich
Dave vs.The Robot Aliens Cast:

  • Taylor Watkins as Dave
  • David Babich as Robot Alien #1
  • Ray Holdridge as Robot Alien #2
  • Valerie Schrementi (Alvarez) as Robot Alien #3
  • Laurie Weaver as herself

Laurie’s Foolish Fun Intro Announcer: Mark Weaver
Laurie’s Foolish Funner: Dawny Taylor
Stéfanie’s Secret Topic Intro Announcer: Mark Weaver
Stéfanie’s Secret Topic concept, content and voice by: Stéfanie Lepage
Mark’s No-Diet Report Intro Announcer: Mark Weaver
Bravery Alert Announcer: Mark Weaver
Writing Group Member Stories
The Judge written and read by Peter (J.P.) Bumstead
The Birch Bat written and read by Jake Terrell
The Collector written and read by Samantha Marquis
The Beach written and read by Mark Weaver

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1 Used by permission of Josh Woodward under a Creative Commons License

Featured Song

Light in the Dark
Music and Lyrics by Fionna Lane
Hear More of Fionna’s music on Soundcloud
Fionna’s Blog, Fionna Sings

Light in the Dark

Well the time has come
I must move on
We have come to journey’s end
So I’ll say “goodbye” and I’ll be on my way
I will carry memories with me
And I’ll always call you “friend”
I’ve a feeling we will meet again one day

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me selflessly
You gave me strength to find what I need
We’ll be apart, but you’re always in my heart
I hope you know
You were my light in the dark

What will I do in my new life?
Gonna travel ’round the world
I’ll be anywhere I want to be
The best part is I’m livin’
And I’m brave and feeling free
And I’ll proudly say “I’m happy to be me!”

(Chorus)

Bridge:
At last I’m not scared of my tears
I let them fall
Free as the wind
Your words helped me conquer my fears
And I love you all
I love you all

(Chorus)
(Repeat chorus

Laurie Sings Intro and Outro

America : My country ’tis of thee (Metropolitan Quartet)
Composer: Smith, Samuel Francis
Performer: Metropolitan Quartet
Date Issued: 1914

Sounds Used in Mark’s Bravery Alert

  • Alarm
    http://www.freesound.org/people/JarAxe/sounds/204424/
  • Bravery Alert Music
    http://www.freesound.org/people/Tuben/sounds/272044/
  • News beeps
    http://www.freesound.org/people/johnnytal/sounds/88517/

Sounds Used in Laurie’s Stories Open and Close

  • Music Theme
    http://www.freesound.org/people/ShadyDave/sounds/262259/
  • Applause
    http://www.freesound.org/people/bulbastre/sounds/132154/
  • British Welcome
    http://www.freesound.org/people/Intimidated/sounds/61571/
  • Pages Turning
    http://www.freesound.org/people/zzzemon/sounds/176623/
  • Cello Loop
    http://www.freesound.org/people/Thirsk/sounds/121018/

Sounds Used in Dave Vs. Robot Aliens

  • Knock on Door
    http://www.freesound.org/people/HunteR4708/sounds/256513/
  • Space Music 2
    http://www.freesound.org/people/Xythe/sounds/100871/
  • Opening Space Music
    http://www.freesound.org/people/levelclearer/sounds/259324/
  • Creaking Door
    http://www.freesound.org/people/urupin/sounds/200988/
  • Door Slam
    http://www.freesound.org/people/chaosportal/sounds/137083/
  • Dun Dun Dun
    http://www.freesound.org/people/FreqMan/sounds/20106/
  • Laurie Memory Music
    http://www.freesound.org/people/JimiMod/sounds/244663/
  • Space Choir
    http://www.freesound.org/people/syntheway/sounds/278903/
  • Evil Childish Laughter
    http://www.freesound.org/people/benjaminharveydesign/sounds/315940/
  • Ending Choir
    http://www.freesound.org/people/klankbeeld/sounds/210514/

Sounds used in Laurie’s Foolish Fun Intro

  • Slide Whistle sounds
    http://www.freesound.org/people/plingativator/sounds/188873/
  • Background Tune/Beat
    http://www.freesound.org/people/siakitty/sounds/38478/
  • Girl’s Laughter
    http://www.freesound.org/people/choplin/sounds/109759/
  • Phone Ring
    http://www.freesound.org/people/winsx87/sounds/152028/

Sounds used in Stéfanie’s Secret Topic Intro

  • Space background loop
    http://www.freesound.org/people/zagi2/sounds/178573/
  • Space Alien ray gun zap sound
    http://www.freesound.org/people/NoiseCollector/sounds/43041/
  • The Human Has been Neutralised
    http://www.freesound.org/people/cityrocker/sounds/128649/
  • Eating Chips
    http://www.freesound.org/people/fresco/sounds/48933/
  • Zen Cello
    http://www.freesound.org/people/Nightlife999/sounds/144971/

Sounds used in Mark’s No-Diet Report Intro

  • News Jingle
    http://www.freesound.org/people/mansardian/sounds/61322/
  • News Ting
    http://www.freesound.org/people/robni7/sounds/174027/

Sounds Used in the Writing Group Stories

The Judge

  • Epic music
    http://www.freesound.org/people/TheTunk/sounds/213275/
    Mike TheTunk Woloszyn” www.Senproductions.de
  • Courtroom crowd
    http://www.freesound.org/people/miastodzwiekow/sounds/110416/
  • gavel
    http://www.freesound.org/people/zerolagtime/sounds/70071/
  • laser gun
    http://www.freesound.org/people/bubaproducer/sounds/151022/
  • Fart
    http://www.freesound.org/people/junkfood2121/sounds/242004/

The Birch Bat

  • Ukulele background music
    http://www.freesound.org/people/qubodup/sounds/259312/
  • Bat and crowd
    http://www.freesound.org/people/AmishRob/sounds/214989/
  • ballpark organ and crowd
    http://www.freesound.org/people/AshFox/sounds/191928/
  • birds
    http://www.freesound.org/people/derjuli/sounds/275961/
  • axe
    http://www.freesound.org/people/electrovoice664/sounds/75077/

The Collector

  • Metal Clink
    http://www.freesound.org/people/BMacZero/sounds/96134/
  • Soundtrack
    http://www.freesound.org/people/DigiZoo/sounds/273662/
  • Police are close
    http://www.freesound.org/people/thearxx08/sounds/262886/
  • Key fob chirp
    http://www.freesound.org/people/shakaharu/sounds/151359/

The Beach

  • Ocean
    http://www.freesound.org/people/xserra/sounds/161699/
  • Flute
    http://www.freesound.org/people/Thirsk/sounds/121088/
  • Seagull
    http://www.freesound.org/people/beejeeb1314/sounds/197743/

Other Sounds

  • Crowd Cheering
    http://www.freesound.org/people/xtrsounder/sounds/202498/
  • Crowd awww
    http://www.freesound.org/people/phmiller42/sounds/124996/
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Ep 0089 – Life’s a Beach and Then You Fly…

Laurie holds up her recorder on the beach on an overcast day
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I took ‘Roland’ with me on my beach bike path ride. Here I am getting ready to record Day 89 from a beach podcast rock in Ventura, CA.

Podcast Recap

The waves crash as I podcast from the coast of Ventura, CA. How does our past impact us and how can we let that go? The body of the here and now is a wonderful and marvelous thing! Please call or send audio of what you are Thankful for in time for the holiday show. Thanks to María for her 5-star iTunes review in her country. I update my progress with legalizing the chips. What reasons might keep you from looking at deep emotional eating issues? Supportive comments about my chip legalizing from María, who’s earned a spot on the bravery report for posting her first public comment, and Fionna, who also writes a touching post about Intuitive Eating on her own blog, Fionna Sings. Cheryl’s comment is linked to from today’s show notes. Leora Fulvio, a well known eating disorders therapist, stops by to post a thank you. BC Rachel gets some input on her questions about procrastination and time changes that she posted on day 64 from Stéfanie from Quebec and Sue from the UK. Also featured is Rachel’s reaction to my request to refrain from giving me unasked for advice on Day 71 and my thoughts on what she brings up. I share about my latest blog post about how inspired I was by the latest musical Mark and I saw, Kinky Boots. I also thank the BCs who supported me on this emotional blog post, Diane the champion, Dawny, and Cheryl, along with Stéfanie from Quebec, whose comment I share because it sums up the various thoughts so well.

Laurie's bike helmut and podcast gear on a large sandy colored flat boulder on the beach

You can barely tell the rock from the beach, but THIS is the podcast rock from Day 89

Gentle waves break along a sandy shore on an overcast day

Here’s the view from the ‘Beach podcast rock’

Laurie in bike gear near the sea

Feeling great! Rode along the coastal beach path after recording Day 89 and stopped to ‘Smell the Roses – er Sea’

Mentioned

How to send audio of what you are Thankful for

Mark’s short video of me bike riding on the beach path

My Legalizing Chips episode

The episode on Day 79 where I first introduce María from a Spanish speaking country’s story.

María’s first public comment on Day 88

Fionna’s supportive comment on Day 88

Fionna’s blog post about Intuitive Eating on Fionna Sings

Cheryl’s supportive comment on Day 88

Leora Fulvio’s comment on Day 88

Rachel’s question about procrastination on Day 64

Stéfanie from Quebec’s reply to Rachel on Day 64

Sue from the UK’s reply to Rachel on Day 64

The episode about non-asked for advice on Day 71

Rachel’s comment reacting to day 71

My Kinky Boots Blog Post

Stéfanie from Quebec’s supportive comment on the Kinky Boots blog post

Want to have Fun Being Foolish too?

Participate in our new feature called “Foolish Fun“. Just call the bravery hotline 206-350-6445 or check out the send audio page on https://www.compulsiveovereatingdiary.com/how-to-send-audio/
And tell us a joke, riddle, a silly story, limerick, sing a song, play a kazoo, ANYTHING but talk about compulsive eating. This is the feature where messing up is just part of the act! No names required and Silly Aliases are AOK! Need ideas? See Day 54’s Resource of the Day for my page of ToonaCat Jokes
Intuitive Eating Book on Amazon – please use the links below

Intuitive Eating

Ways to support the show financially

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

FaceBook Page if you want to sign up for our email list by clicking Tiger the Cat’s Sign-up button

My Second Twitter Account JUST for bravery sayings @TheBraveryCoach

Laurie on Tumblr

My page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme:I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day

Continue reading

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Ep 0087 – Maybe Deciding not to be Indecisive – Happy 40 Weeks of COD

Laurie with water bottle
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On podcast pages click the arrow to play the episode.
Oh it was hot hiking! I love my cool, shady, next to top Zen place and my cool, delicious H2o

Podcast Recap

Celebrate our 40 week milestone! Stories, announcements, surprises, stats and other fun. Freaked out from current Robot Alien events, I delve into the reasons and decide to let go of indecision. Learning to trust myself to know my own best path and then to stay the course is key to both my comfort and my progress. Welcome to new brave companion, Kerry, and thanks to Cheryl and Dawny for commenting on my guest blog post on Dr. Nina’s blog, Make Peace with Food. I ponder communication and support with help from comments from Sue. Dawny calls the bravery hotline and puts herself deservedly on the bravery report for opening up and honestly seeking support from the BCs. Patt also steps up right away to support Dawny. I put myself into Foolish Fun mode by reading a short story I wrote in my writing group about an alien named Griffin who fell to Earth after disobeying his father. I hope other writers may follow suit. BC Rachel supports Amy from WI who called the bravery hotline on Day 65, and asks us all for our thoughts about procrastination. I reveal why I’m now following myself on twitter and why I love Instagram.
Man hiking ahead on the trail

A cool lesson I learned on the hot trail yesterday. Sometimes it’s our turn to lead, sometimes to follow.

Mentioned

The Intuitive Eating Community website

One of my last two blog posts, Weighing My Life Without a Scale

The other of my last two blog posts, Trusting the Mirror, Photos or Your Heart?

The episode on Day 86 where I share my frustrating day that I talk about with Sue

Sue and my comment conversation on FB

Sue and my comment conversation on Day 86

The episode where I asked you to refrain from giving me unasked for food and exercise advice on Day 71

My guest blog post about giving up the scale on Dr. Nina’s blog, Make Peace with Food

Dr. Nina Savelle Rocklin’s blog, Make Peace with Food

Dr. Nina’s podcast and website, Win the Diet War

Alen’s show and blog, Progress, Not Perfection

My first interview with Alen on Progress, Not Perfection on episode 42

My second interview with Alen on Progress, Not Perfection on episode 49

Dawny’s Bravery Report page debut. Brava Dawny!

Patt’s supportive comment to Dawny

Find your OWN piece of bravery to post on our actual Bravery Report page.

Rachel’s supportive comment for Amy from WI and questions for us BCs about procrastination on Day 64

Episode on Day 65 where Amy from WI called the bravery hotline about the cookie incident

Want to have Fun Being Foolish too?

Participate in our new feature called “Foolish Fun“. Just call the bravery hotline 206-350-6445 or check out the send audio page on https://www.compulsiveovereatingdiary.com/how-to-send-audio/
And tell us a joke, riddle, a silly story, limerick, sing a song, play a kazoo, ANYTHING but talk about compulsive eating. This is the feature where messing up is just part of the act! No names required and Silly Aliases are AOK! Need ideas? See Day 54’s Resource of the Day for my page of ToonaCat Jokes
Intuitive Eating Book on Amazon – please use the links below

Intuitive Eating

The Story Cubes we use at Writing Group – On Amazon

Rory’s Story Cube Complete Set – Original – Actions – Voyages

Rory’s Story Cubes is a pocket-sized creative story generator, providing hours of imaginative play for all ages. With Rory’s Story Cubes, anyone can become a great storyteller and there are no wrong answers. Simply roll the cubes and let the pictures spark your imagination!

Ways to support the show financially

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

FaceBook Page if you want to sign up for our email list by clicking Tiger the Cat’s Sign-up button

My Second Twitter Account JUST for bravery sayings @TheBraveryCoach

Laurie on Tumblr

My page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver
Laurie’s Foolish Fun Intro Announcer: Mark Weaver
Foolish Fun Content: Me, Myself and I

Main Theme:I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Sounds used in Laurie’s Foolish Fun Intro

  • Slide Whistle sounds
    http://www.freesound.org/people/plingativator/sounds/188873/
  • Background Tune/Beat
    http://www.freesound.org/people/siakitty/sounds/38478/
  • Girl’s Laughter
    http://www.freesound.org/people/choplin/sounds/109759/
  • Phone Ring
    http://www.freesound.org/people/winsx87/sounds/152028/

Resource of the day

Continue reading

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Ep 0086 – Bonus – Chatting with Alen Standish

Alen Standish at his podcast mic
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On podcast pages click the arrow to play the episode.
Alen Standish of Progress, Not Perfection, is a great sport and sends me this selfie to go along with my theme of selfies for episode photos.

Podcast Recap

Alen chats with me about his own binge eating story, how he started his podcast, Quit Binge Eating, and the very personal reasons behind why he changed its title and focus to Progress, Not Perfection. Thanks to Brave Companions Amy in Australia and Patt for their 5-star iTunes reviews. I’ll be guest blogging for Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin’s Make Peace with Food.

Laurie by the mic

My companion selfie, taken during our interview

Laurie holding a water bottle at the park

Because I AM compulsive, I MUST take a selfie today while recording the opening for day 86 at the park.

Mentioned

My first interview with Alen on Progress, Not Perfection on episode 42

My second interview with Alen on Progress, Not Perfection on episode 49

The episode where I Skype with Dawny

The Halloween Episode

My Blue Mood Pissy Blog post

My guest blog post about giving up the scale on Dr. Nina’s blog, Make Peace with Food

Dr. Nina Savelle Rocklin’s blog, Make Peace with Food

Dr. Nina’s podcast and website, Win the Diet War

BC Rachel’s post mentioning Dr.Nina on our Who Are the Brave Companions page

Get your very own Certificate of Completion for listening to all of the episodes!

See a photo of my Pig flute from our interview on Instagram

See a video of me playing the Pig on Instagram!

One of the life changing books by Brené Brown Alen recommends on Amazon – please use the links below

In The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown

In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, a leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging, shares ten guideposts on the power of Wholehearted living—a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.

Intuitive Eating Book on Amazon – please use the links below

Intuitive Eating

Ways to support the show financially

Want to have Fun Being Foolish too?

Participate in our new feature called “Foolish Fun“. Just call the bravery hotline 206-350-6445 or check out the send audio page on https://www.compulsiveovereatingdiary.com/how-to-send-audio/
And tell us a joke, riddle, a silly story, limerick, sing a song, play a kazoo, ANYTHING but talk about compulsive eating. This is the feature where messing up is just part of the act! No names required and Silly Aliases are AOK! Need ideas? See Day 54’s Resource of the Day for my page of ToonaCat Jokes

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

FaceBook Page if you want to sign up for our email list by clicking Tiger the Cat’s Sign-up button

Laurie on Tumblr

My page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver
Special Guest: Alen Standish of Progress, Not Perfection
Main Theme:I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day

Continue reading

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Trusting the Mirror, Photos or Your Heart?

Laurie in sports bra and yoga pants in the mirror
Scroll to the "Comments box" or call 206-350-6445 to tell us what you think.
On podcast pages click the arrow to play the episode.

I’m pondering how my mirror image makes me feel. How much is real and how much comes from our own self-image?

Comments on Day 85 from Stéfanie and Cheryl really make think about my self-image

Stéfanie writes … I just had an ah ha moment. I never thought that some people could prefer not getting ANY kind of feedback about their weight loss. I never thought that because I am the complete opposite. I litteraly CRAVE the comments. To me, they are the best of rewards. So, thanks for making me aware and sensitive to this.
It made me realize once again that I need to shed this obsessive need for other people’s approval. Why do I crave this feedback so much? It’s not just with weightloss, it’s all over my life. My older lady friends and family say I will grow out of it as I get older. That what other people think of you gets less and less important. If it’s so, then, I’m eager to age

Cheryl writes – I think that’s sort of true for me. I’m 63, and the older I’ve gotten the less I’ve cared what strangers and acquaintances think about me. It does feel different with good friends and family, though. Maybe there’s always that need for their approval. The weight loss issue is really one of those “hot button” issues for me. My mind doesn’t grasp the positive in a compliment, it goes right to the reverse — so did I look that bad before?…

Part of what I write – Hi there dear, Stéfanie! Rachel posted to me on Day 58 just the other day that I shouldn’t apologize for asking for feedback as

  • According to Transactional Analysis we need positive strokes to help us ‘open the heart’. Stroke starvation can lead to physical, emotional and physical illness according to Claude Steiner.

And I think there is a lot of truth to that. I know myself, I grew up pretty much believing I was not good enough in any way, or if I WAS good, I ought not mention it, or make any fuss about it. This led to an emotional starvation that was partially at the root of my stuffing myself with food to soothe these needs. It’s not the only reason, for sure, but a big part. So for example, if Diane the Champion was doing another Body for Life course and I KNEW she was working hard to shed fat and build muscle and I saw her progressing, FOR SURE I would mention it. It is very hard work. And I think when I was in Weight Watchers I LOVED when my WW friends mentioned my progress too. But lately, I’ve been thinking about “Why is it ALWAYS a good thing to have lost weight?” Since my body type is not slender, and I come from endomorph stock on both sides of my family, we were taller, stockier and fatter. I don’t mean in the sit around eating all day fatter, I mean our bodies, from every photo I’ve ever seen, had more fat over the muscle than in other families. AND both sides of my family were physically hard workers. Farmers, laborers etc. This is a legitimate body to have. Just one of the rainbow of possible body types. So why am I so happy when I lose weight, or when people notice? Because for ME (and I’m talking only me here) it means I’m FINALLY one of the rest. I FINALLY fit in (chairs and emotionally).

Trouble is, that’s not who I am. It’s like dying my grey hair. I do it, but I really have greying hair. So when people compliment my hair, I also get a little cringe as I know this is my stylist they are complimenting and I feel a bit of deceit. But is it? Almost nobody my age has hair free from grey. Almost everybody in my area dyes their hair as in LA, youth is valued. It makes you listened to at work more. It’s just like when I lost all the weight and people started to respect me more. Really? My brains were non-active under fat? Really? My ideas and heart didn’t function? That was my anger about weight loss. That people only accepted the thinner package and it hurt to know that. Then I regained some, and noticed the opposite. Most didn’t say, “Wow, you’ve gained some weight!” but as they sure had mentioned it on the way down, I know they noticed on the way up. And as I said before, the more I weighed, the less I fit in.

Until now. Now some chairs are still a struggle, but *I* feel I fit in and my size isn’t as relevant. I still hope my body stabilizes at a lesser weight, because functionally, I don’t feel optimum yet. And I have flashes of familiar shame, as I told on Day 85 about my well-intentioned friend.

Laurie in the dressing room wearing slacks and printed top

This is the flattering photo my friend saw on FB and posted to me that I look thinner.

My friend intended to celebrate with what she thought was progress on my goal. Why wouldn’t she? Weight loss has ALWAYS been my goal, for as long as she’s known me. When I started this show and I tried to explain what I was doing, she literally could not understand any of it other than I wanted to lose weight. Then she said,”Oh you want to eat HEALTHIER”, I said, “Not really”. THAT one floored her. It makes no sense to state your goal is not to eat healthier. Well, I do, but not in the way she meant. I want to emotionally eat healthier. I do value my health, but without my emotional strength and health first, the rest is like frosting on a cardboard cake. My friend is not an emotional eater, so she cannot process my weird statements. So when she saw my photo, she said what she did to connect with me and celebrate me. My reaction is on me. Long story here, friend, Stéfanie, No? Short story. Celebrate yourself and others, and let the intention be your guide xoxoxoxoxoxox

Do you trust photos, the mirror, or your heart?


Now, Brave Companions, I am the same size in both of the photos on this blog post. The top photo in my yoga outfit was taken at home in my bathroom, and the legs are cut off since my mirror is not full length. This tends to focus on my hated trouble spot. The clothing in the dressing room photo still fits the same as when that photo was taken. Note, I’m turning at a flattering angel to snap my photo in the dressing room. Also, those slim fit slacks hold my tummy in a bit better than my comfy old yoga clothing. The dressing room photo made me feel REALLY good about myself, the yoga photo not so much.

Why? I am the same size.

  1. Even though we have an actual size, our brains interpret data though our own world view. So one woman’s size in a particular time in history and culture may be considered pleasing, and in another, horrific (yes, I know Suz, one of THOSE drastic vocabulary words).
  2. What is our social norm at my place in time? Despite mighty ongoing social media driven efforts for body acceptance, big breasted, thin and young seem to be our optimal beauty standard where I live.
  3. So it would seem that the flattering photo is closer to that beauty norm. But even so, I’m not any of those physical things.
  4. My inner view also colors my lens of acceptance. I had a GREAT day when I snapped the dressing room pic.
  5. The last week has been a bit tough on me. I’ve been over tired, feeling blue, and wondering if this show still serves a purpose for me or you? So many Brave Companions have left or gone silent. I’m still over 200 pounds and dealing with demons from my past. As Alen say, Progress, not perfection. But my progress this week seemed to stall and self-doubt abound
  6. A bright spot was the Halloween show. It was fun to work with Mark again and to have the contributions of Suz, Cheryl, Dawny and My friend Max. It was creative to edit that one all together, and I was proud of how I worked the eating topic into the theme.
  7. I also received a heart-felt email letter from a brave companion, who again said how much listening to all of the episodes has meant to her. This pulled my head out of my ass
  8. My size is the same, yet is feels different from day to day. Isn’t this why I gave up the scale?
  9. We all know I weigh more than 200 pounds, so why am I surprised by photos or unexpected mirror glimpses?
  10. I think partially that my actual size ballooned and plummeted so much and so often in the past, my internal size never stuck
  11. I think I still have strong ties to equating big/fat with bad/shameful. So if I feel bad for any reason, I feel fat. Period
  12. If I feel physically fat for any reason, water retention, tight clothing, actual weight gain, I feel bad about myself as a human being
  13. This is what I’m working on. I can be huge and it doesn’t make me a bad human being. I can be thin and it doesn’t make me a good human being. I can be any physical size and it doesn’t add or subtract to my heart or my character. Only my own thoughts, reactions, instincts, wisdom,and experience can guide my own self-worth, and I have a problem with this.
  14. Photos can be photoshopped (I’m actually quite good at that, though none of my photos in this blog are photoshopped beyond brightness adjustments). Photos vary by light, pose, angle etc. Photos capture one second through the lens of the photographer (in the case of selfies, yourself)
  15. Mirrors can be manipulated with light, your pose, your expectation etc. (Mirrors capture how you are looking to yourself during the moments you gaze into them. This varies by how you feel.)
  16. Hearts cannot tell physical size. They can be influenced by emotions and negative or positive thought.

I’ve written this list to ponder and think through all of this today. I conclude that hearts are best for judging our inner worth, photos are best for making artistic statements or capturing times of our lives, whatever our sizes, and the mirror is best for smiling in and telling ourselves, “I love you as you are.”

Laurie, I love you in your yoga pants
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

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