And now for something COMPLETELY different…

Laurie and Mark smile wearing bike helmets
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We’re all smiles as we complete our regular 15-mile route today. First time since my back issues.

Today I woke up in a cold sweat of worry and rumination. Is the podcast dying? Am I screwing up yet again? Am I getting fatter? Am I fooling myself? Yada Yada Yada…

What happened? When last we left the ranch, wasn’t Laurie ascending the mountain, feeling spiffy and proclaiming endless love for this project?

True.

I felt successful and happy.

Punch to the gut. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY!

I’m used to crappy and failure. Fat despite all heroic attempts, projects burning, relationships abandoned, and moody swings-are-me.

I’m definitely whipping’ up a massive blue period for myself these days!

Here’s the recipe:

Laurie’s Big Old Batch of Blue

Ingredients:

  • Self-Doubt
  • self-criticism
  • Self-Centric
  • Circumstances beyond control
  • Strong need to control circumstances beyond control
  • Worry
  • Rumination
  • Extra Worry
  • Physical limits
  • Strong need to pay NO ATTENTION to physical limits
  • Tendency to rage when thwarted
  • Strong feeling that rage is bad
  • Tendency to ergo turn rage toward self
  • Tendency to feel thwarted by circumstances beyond control

Instructions:

  1. Live Life
  2. Encounter a challenge
  3. Add a sprinkling of other human beings reacting to their own challenges
  4. Take responsibility for said other reactions
  5. Stir ingredients over and over and over until frothy
  6. Think on these endlessly until Big Old Batch of Blue is ready.
  7. To Test if done, poke self endlessly until maximum pain causes self to throw in some important towel.

Whatever you do, keep kindness, tolerance, reaching out to friends, honest self-expression, self-understanding, fun bike rides and snarky weird blog posts away, as they may cause Big Old Batch of Blue to self-destruct and hopeful ‘joy despite all odds’ to reappear.

Comments box:

8 thoughts on “And now for something COMPLETELY different…

  1. Cheryl

    You know what? I think a lot of us tend to suffer from the “waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop” syndrome. You’re exactly right. We don’t know what to do with ourselves when everything is going well. It actually scares us. Maybe we’re afraid we’re going to lose control of things?

    Do you know what exactly it was that brought on your reversal of attitude this morning? It might be important to figure it out so you’ll know how to deal with it next time because I’m betting sure as heck there’ll be a next time. And again…

    Congrats on making that first post-back-issue bike ride. That’ was the big one!

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hey Cheryl, yep I DO know, I let myself get super freaked out by declining podcast numbers. Just like the scale can be a liar, so can podcast stats. Yesterday, I checked the iTunes hotlist and the podcast ranking fell to 1047. For the last several months I have been between 140 (best) to around 370 (worst), usually hovering around 200…hmmm like my weight. Today, back around 240 I think. Truth is, the bloom is off the show for some. New folks find it and 50 episodes is a lot to catch up on..old folks realize I don’t have any answer, or it’s just not something THEY feel like thinking about, or it’s just not for them anymore. So instead of focusing on the positive (my usual defense), I fell deep down into the “Why I am bad” pit. The truth is the show is still downloaded a lot in all of the states and many, many countries. The truth is also, that you, and other brave companions STILL comment and reach out to me. I think I enjoy that part so much, I’m terrified of you all leaving, and so I’m kind of making that happen in my head…and maybe in my behavior if I don’t watch out. I’m scared and acting out about it. Stay tuned, this should be instructive for me!

      Reply
  2. Michelle Mckinney

    Oh Laurie that is wonderful that you got to go on a 15 mile bike ride. I’m impressed! I wish I was in shape to do that. The photo looks great. You bring up a lot of good points and Cheryl has added to the topic very well. I definitely think there is fear that the other shoe will drop, that if you are not ever viligant things will fall apart. I am feeling very nervous the last week or so about my week. I feel pounds are creeping on and I’m too scared to look at the scale. I know I have gained 2 lbs of the weight I’ve lost back but I’m so worried that this is just the beginning and all the weight will come back. I have been struggling with my own back issues from long days sitting at a desk that it just doesn’t feel good to move around too much, but somehow I know I need to get active again. Your smiling face brings me comfort. Thanks Laurie

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Michelle! Yep, part of my snarky feeling today is fear of weight-gain. Then on top of THAT failure is being a hypocrite for caring – Me of the “Zen – my weight isn’t important” statements of late. But when I don’t feel well, then I want to dive back into dieting. This will be tomorrow’s topic. I’m starting to empathize with those who suffer from anorexia, because this is the first time I see how falsely-comforting it would be to focus my pain and fear into keeping myself from eating so much. To see fat again as the enemy and to have the control in my fingertips to bring it down. But I know this isn’t true. Fat is only energy stored on my body. There is no scale number that will make me feel good. The emotional work I’ve been doing is hard. Very hard, It would be easier to diet again – but what I need, truly is to find my way not my weight. Thanks for your thoughts and care, I so appreciate it. 🙂

      Reply
  3. Stéfanie

    Ladies! I don’t know about you, but maybe I might be on to something that relates all you’ve said in one big web of oversimplification: maybe it’s that thing called SUMMER 🙂 Maybe some get loose about our health as june comes. Maybe that partly explain weight gain. Maybe vacation season has its own rythm. Maybe some aren’t eating as well enjoying more social events and sunny gatherings, maybe some aren’t as focused (and listening religiously at the podcasts).

    Stéfanie 🙂 xx

    Reply

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