Ep 0107 – Bonus – You Don’t Need to Justify Your Heart

Laurie in a blue headscarf enjoys some water at the next to top Zen place
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I under estimated how much water I would need to hike and record on such a hot day. I’m SO glad I added a few ice cubes to my water bottle so I could have their melty goodness at the Next to Top Zen Place.

Podcast Recap

I let go of having to justify to myself or others what I want. I ponder my next steps in voice acting and the results of last week’s big binge. Featured comments by Cheryl and Dawny. Please keep Amy from Wisconsin and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Laurie and Mark

Mark and me in front of the Pantages Theater where we will see Newsies

Mark in profile looking at the walk of fame

Mark looking down the Hollywood walk of fame where you can find stars in the sidewalk celebrating all kinds of media stars! Delphine is the bistro where we will have brunch prior to the show.

Mentioned

Blog post where I had an Aha moment about perfectionism thanks to Dawny!

Funny blog post about my Messy House Nightmare come true

Blog post where I let loose and dance around the park!

Episode where I talk about the big binge

Episode where I give binge recovery tips

Episode where I talked to Alen and had weird technical difficulties

Ways to support the show financially

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1 Used by permission of Josh Woodward under a Creative Commons License

Comments box:

30 thoughts on “Ep 0107 – Bonus – You Don’t Need to Justify Your Heart

  1. Cheryl

    I haven’t even listened to this yet, but your title made me cry. Been one of those days… The heart wants what the heart wants, doesn’t it… I’ll listen when I get back from book club.

    Reply
      1. Cheryl

        That book club… (Calen shakes her head and breathes a sigh of relief). Thank GOD it’s over. I HATED that freakin’ book. And now they’re going to do one where you have to come to club and sit and journal for half an hour and then share with others what you’ve written. I write at least three hours a day at home. That’s the last thing I want to do. So I dropped out, and I am doing a big happy dance!

        Reply
          1. Cheryl

            I’m finding that out. My friend Teal (who is a counselor with the Alabama Family Resource something or other, keeps telling me if you can’t learn the word NO you have NO business saying YES to anything! I’m starting to think he’s right. No means you have boundaries.

  2. Dawny

    I kinda thought u had edited some stuff. It seemed your thought process veered right & left lol.

    I love your sharing-ness and willingness to be so real with us.

    I too am glad thru it your learning and freeing yourself of emotional baggage and build up.

    I giggle at the thought of you wildly skippidy doo dah day thru your park

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      kinda thought u had edited some stuff. It seemed your thought process veered right & left lol.

      Yep, I almost canned the whole episode, because I was REALLY off my game at story telling without personal detail – but it had enough good in it, and I wanted the prayers for Amy in WI to be timely when she needed them, so TESTAMENT to by new non-perfectionism, I let this episode be, even though I had to grit my teeth and bear it. xoxoxox

      Reply
  3. Amy from WI

    It took me a couple of days to be able to listen to this show, family issues were keeping me busy. I thank you so much for your prayers, Laurie and all the BCs. For anyone who was wondering, I’m ok with sharing. My grandmother had had a massive stroke, and recovery was not going to happen. She was in hospice and unresponsive, just waiting for the inevitable. Since this show posted, Grandma passed away. She went fairly peacefully with all of us there to say goodbye and send her to heaven. She was deeply loved and will be greatly missed. She would have been 89 tomorrow (April 3), so I am going over to my mom’s and we are going to have pizza and cupcakes in her honor.

    Laurie, thank you for posting this episode even though you didn’t love it. I needed those prayers….and would love for anyone to keep them coming. I’m a little nervous as to how the emotions related to Gram’s death are going to affect my eating. So far I am holding steady, but it often takes some time for me to see effects of major stressors. For now, I am trying to listen to what I need and be gentle with myself. I’m on spring break, which meant I had more time with her at the end, and more time to deal with my emotions. So far, going ok.

    Reply
    1. Dawny

      HUGS to you Amy, sending positive thoughts and vibes your way thru this part of your life..

      it’s surely not easy and I don’t envy the shoes your walking in right now..

      Rainbows and butterflies in your neighborhood friend

      Reply
    2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Ah Amy, I am so glad you had this time with your grandma, even though it is so hard to say good-bye. I’m glad she was surrounded by love as she made her way home. I will kept the prayers and rocks coming. I’m hoping to do another show from the mountain on Easter, as I did last year. But I will be thinking of you, and her wherever I am. xoxoxoxox

      Reply
  4. Cheryl

    Little white lies. As I sat and listened to this episode and your comments about how you feel you have to justify something you want, I realize I have an issue — a BIG issue — with needing to justify being LATE. If I am late for anything — even legitimately rather than just because I’m poking around too long — I always seem to feel that if I’m not coming from some cataclysmic event, then I have no good reason for being late! I can’t even begin to count how many little white lies I’ve told about why I’m late. Do I do that all the time to everyone? No. But if the person looks like they’re going to pitch a fit or come unglued at me, you can just about bet I was stopped by a roadblock with cops looking for drugs! (Well, nothing really that severe, but I seem to wait on trains a lot, which is true some times.)

    To be honest, I have no clue why I’m that way. Been that way all my life. And I doubt it’s relevant to this conversation about binges, but I just thought it was interesting that your comments brought that up for me.

    I left a note on here a couple days ago before I even listened to the podcast. I was upset because there was something the little six-year-old me really, really wanted. Something that was not mine and was impossible to really have. And it broke my heart. I cried and cried. The thing I did NOT do was go eat. Which makes me wonder about the rationale behind that discipline that day. What made this emotional tantrum different from any other one that would have driven me to Starbucks for a raspberry mocha frappucino? I’m very puzzled.

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      I left a note on here a couple days ago before I even listened to the podcast. I was upset because there was something the little six-year-old me really, really wanted. Something that was not mine and was impossible to really have. And it broke my heart. I cried and cried. The thing I did NOT do was go eat. Which makes me wonder about the rationale behind that discipline that day. What made this emotional tantrum different from any other one that would have driven me to Starbucks for a raspberry mocha frappucino? I’m very puzzled.

      Wow! That is some pretty powerful stuff there gal. I’m sorry you couldn’t make your inner six-year-old happy this time. It is rough to let go of those long held wishes and dreams. But what amazing progress you displayed by NOT using a Starbucks treat as therapy. Not only did you feel your feelings here, even when it was tough, you allowed your raspberry mocha frappucino remain as a treat to be enjoyed another day, purely for its flavor and the joy it gives you to drink it.

      Reply
      1. Cheryl

        You will probably laugh, but I had a meltdown to a therapist I know. Now how’s that for great timing? I know what you’re thinking. That’s why NO binge. BUT the meltdown was also ABOUT the bloomin’ therapist. It was all WAY weird.

        Reply
        1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

          Hey gal, therapists are people too! Hence meltdown material. And I think you chose not to binge for whatever reason. Sometimes I feel like bingeing but I notice that and let it go. Other times, well, it’s all a learning experience 😉

          Reply
  5. Happy With My Body

    Hello Laurie and all BC:s.
    I commented on the show a while ago but since then I have been out of the loop for some time. Lately, I have been going through a rough period. After starting out 2015 with being binge-free for seven weeks straight (that is quite a long time for me) I once again “fell off the wagon”. And now I have gone through almost seven weeks with bingeing more or less on a daily basis. Needless to say I feel horrible, like a complete failure. The shame is almost unbearable. Still, worst of all is the feeling of hopelessness. If I can go as long as 7 weeks without bingeing and then “relapse” again – what are the odds of my ever finding a way out of this? And I am talking about longterm recovery. I need to know that lifelong recovery is possible! But right now I have (once again) lost hope of that.

    The point of my writing is really to ask you Laurie and the BC:s for thoughts and advice on two questions that have been occupying my mind lately.

    1) The concept of relapsing after a period of normal eating has been a topic on this show before (many times?). But the thing is, for me, once I “fall off the wagon”, I NEVER stop at that one binge and then pick myself up and get on with life. Once I start bingeing, I continue to do so. For days in a row, but more likely for weeks or (as in this case) months. Does anyone in here recognize that kind of behavior in themselves or is it just me? Why is it that I (we) do that? And how in the world can I break out of it? With each day that goes by without being able to “start over” I sink lower, making the hope of recovery smaller and smaller and the desperation stronger and stronger. I could really use some words of insight here, if you are willing.

    2) Have you Laurie or any of the BC:s read the book Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen? I have just started reading it and I am curious to hear your thoughts as Kathryn has quite a different take on the causes of bingeing as well as how to recover from it. In short, rather than viewing bingeing as a coping mechanism she argues (very convincingly) that it is a HABIT, something we have taught our brains to do after repeating it over and over again so many times. So to stop bingeing you really don’t need to work through all your underlying issues first – you simply (?!) have to stop acting on the urges to binge. There is much more to say about this book but I will stop here. Like I said, Kathryn argues for her perspective in a very persuasive manner. And she has got me thinking, wondering if I make things more complicated than they really are. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

    I am not up to speed with the show and so have not listened to episode 107 yet. I still post here, hoping for advice and words of wisdom. And I would love it if one of these questions – or both – could become a topic of a future episode on the show.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this long comment. And – as always – thank you Laurie for putting yourself out there, for taking the lead and holding the torch up for the rest of us to see through the dark.

    Lots of love
    The BC known as Happy With My Body

    Reply
    1. Amy from WI

      Hello Happy,
      I am so proud of you for reaching out and sharing your difficulty and asking for help. I hope that simply “putting it out there” helped you to feel a bit better. Just sharing my feelings often seems to help me. Since your questions seemed to speak to me so much, I am quickly replying before heading to Easter Mass. I wanted to get back to you before the busy-ness of the holiday!

      1. Yes, I’ve done the same thing. For me, one binge is never the end. One binge leads to another, and another, and so on. I think it has to do with my all or nothing thinking. I’m either 100% on plan, or 100% off and bingeing away. So, what I’ve been working on is getting rid of all or nothing thinking in many places in my life. I’ve also been working on shortening the length of binge episodes, and the severity of the binges. Working on these things has made a difference for me. When I’ve had food struggles lately, it rarely feels like a full-on binge…more like and overeating episode. I have to think of ending binge eating as a long, slow process, rather than as flipping a switch.

      2. I have read Kathryn’s book. I loved it when I read it and was really excited to give it a try. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to work for me. I believe that she is sharing her story, and that this is a method that worked for her. I recommend that anyone struggling with bingeing read the book and see if the method works for them. If I’ve learned anything over my many years of struggling with food, it is that nothing is going to work for everyone, but anything might work for anyone. I do have underlying issues that cause me to eat, I’ve clearly identified that I escape feelings of pressure and anxiety by looking for food and obsessing about eating. I do agree that this is a habit that I need to alter, but it is so deeply held that simply telling myself I’m not going to do it wasn’t enough. I think you should finish reading her book and try her method. It might work for you! On the other hand, if it doesn’t, don’t give up. Eventually, you will find the method that will work for you. Never, ever, give up!

      Hugs and love to you….you are not alone in the struggle.

      Reply
    2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Happy, I am SO happy to hear from you and you are BRAVE to post about how you are doing and asking for thoughts about your struggles. I agree very much with what Amy from WI wrote you. I too used to have long, long, periods of bingeing. It was why my weight would fluctuate so much. One binge, really doesn’t impact your weight too much. But several do. I also have read Brain Over Binge, and agree with Amy, that it doesn’t hurt to try the technique and see what happens. In my own case, the binge isn’t really my problem, in the same way, my weight isn’t my problem. For ME (and this doesn’t mean you, dear Happy) what’s UNDER the binge is important to know in order to make my life better, binge or no binge. My main problems are how I deal with life. Removing bingeing as a habit and a coping device for me, without changing the underlying triggers, would just move me to some new way of coping.

      But that being said, I have seen many people on the Intuitive Eating community recommend Kathryn’s book and have success with it. I’m with Amy, that it won’t hurt to try, but also realize that if it doesn’t work for you, it’s just another discovery on your path. We all respond to different things at different times. All my best hopes and positive thoughts for you, dear Happy. Feel free to post at any time about how you’re doing or feeling. I have certainly had my down times where the BCs propped me up and gave me hope. And I think sharing as you have today, the bad AND the good, is a wonderful technique to help reduce some of the drive to turn to food. xoxoxoxoxox

      Reply
    3. Dawny

      I read Kathyrns book brain over binge, and although Ive never really had/experienced ‘binge’ eating in the sense as most people know it, I have my own what i call ‘foraging’ behavior that is as traumatic to me as in it makes me feel out of control, reading that book kind of helped me create a ‘label’ for my ‘animal brain’ if you will and it does/has helped me in times of decision making LOL.. I’d share the name, but it’s inappropriate for Lauries sweet blog. LOL.. I’ll just say she’s a bratty teenage badword LOL

      I agree with others in you’ll never know until you try, and the worst, is nothing right? you’ll be no farther than you are right now with your situation.

      Yay for being brave, and opening up to us, hopefully you’ll reap reward as I do, Just getting it out there some-times, and talking to peeps, and getting some feed-back is amazing and so very helpful

      Reply
  6. Sue

    Hi Happy. It is so good to hear from you again and thank you for being so brave to comment in the middle of a difficult period in your life. I haven’t got anything more helpful to add to what has already been said, but just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you since our last interaction and want to give you a massive virtual hug. xoxox

    Reply
    1. Happy With My Body

      Amy, Laurie, Dawny and Sue – thank you so much for taking the time to comment back and for great support.

      Amy – you are absolutely right about the dangers with having an all-or-nothing kind of mentality. That is how I approach many things in life, not just food and eating. Instead of setting out to eliminate bingeing ALL AT ONCE (like I want to), maybe it would be better (and take a whole lot of pressure off) to focus on doing what you said; “shortening the length of binge episodes, and the severity of the binges”. Great advice, I cherish it a lot.

      Laurie- Interesting that you should mention intuitive eating in this context since I have been thinking a lot about the relation and connection between that and Kathryns approach. In an “ideal” world I figure the two methods would make the perfect combination, with getting rid of the binges AND finding a general, balanced way of eating as the end result.

      Dawny – ah, now you’ve made me curious about the label you’ve given your animal brain (:-)

      Sue – I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my cry – again! It isn’t always WHAT someone says to show support that matters, sometimes just being there/showing up is more than enough.

      All four of you are right about one thing: sharing goes a long way. I don’t know that I am closer to a solution to my eating issues, but the fast and sincere support from you means so, SO much. Thanks again.

      Reply
  7. Dave

    Hi Laurie,

    I stayed home from work today 4 – 23 -15….I’m really feeling out of sorts emotionally and physically.

    Before I get started I wanted to tell you I listened to this episode on tunein using the roku, and you sound awesome coming out of my tv.

    I really enjoyed this episode and I’m going to encourage Kathleen to listen to it, years ago I gave up justifying things in general, I try not to make excuses/justifications for my actions anymore, the truth is hard to face sometimes but always liberating.

    As for your sound proof room hear is something to consider. My mother is a quilter and we helped her move into a new home not so long ago, new empty houses as you know are echoy and noisy, she hung lots of her quilts on the walls to display them, and the side effect was that the house warmed up and the echo went away. My suggestion would to be to go to yard sales, swap meets, thrift stores and pic up lots of bright colored quilts and cover the walls of your spare room to make a bight cheery recording studio.

    Reply
    1. Cheryl

      That’s an interesting idea, Dave. Laurie, we did that with one of our rooms at church when we remodeled. It cut down on the echoing a lot. They weren’t quilts, but pieces of something like that. And it was the gym/fellowship hall where we put them. Might be worth a try.

      Good thinkin’ there, Dave!

      Reply
    2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Dave, I’m glad you liked this episode. If memory serves, it was one that had weird editing in it as I recorded some details that were too personal to share…but published it anyway because I wanted the prayers and good thoughts to go to Amy. Thanks too for the quilt tip, that is a good idea, and I might try it as an interim step in my studio building process. Please say hi to Kathleen, and I will be using your first call in the next show. xoxoxoxox
      PS, I hope you feel better soon, and I got a big kick out of you liking my sound through the TV. I find it pretty odd, myself. 😉

      Reply
  8. Rachel

    Hi there,
    Just to let you know that I am still listening, but not posting as much. Still with you all in spirit though. Had to thank you Laurie for episode 107. Not only did you help me to get on the treadmill and complete a 5k. Funny how time flies when I can listen to you,but I had a little lightbulb moment and realised that I too am a perfectionist which I already knew,but didn’t realise how big an impact it had on my life. For example getting on that treadmill. I usually run with a friend on a Friday, but she wasn’t able to make it this week. So I had a few choices and knew that in the past I would’ve just gone home. So there was a run at home (not particularly inviting as it was raining),cycle fit or circuits at the gym or swimming. Then I had a brain wave and decided to get on the treadmill,but the thoughts started. Scared about how hard it would be and could I cope? Anyway just got on with it with you and you mentioned perfectionism!!! This is so true because I felt I had to push myself to complete the run in under 30mins. Cut myself some slack and just went for it at a comfortable pace. Told myself I would’ve been running anyway so anything was ok with me. Did the run in just over 30mins without any pressure and like you am now really pleased that it can be enjoyable. It has really changed my outlook and yes I will still push myself, but not so hard it isn’t enjoyable any more. Yippee.
    Big hugs to Amy at this time. All came back with my gran 2 years ago who died at home with her family around her. It’s hard, but you do eventually come out the other side. Be really kind to yourself.
    I am gradually working through end emotional eating by Jennifer Taitz. Have found it really difficult to label emotions linked to overeating so your mention of perfectionism hit the nail on the head.
    Good mantra for perfectionists is ” Just enough is good enough”
    Thank you again Laurie for so much.
    xxx

    Reply
    1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post author

      Hi Rachel, as always, it is great to see you! I’m proud of you for jumping on that treadmill and doing your workout anyway. It is SO disappointing when you can’t meet up with a friend as planned, and I’m happy you used ME for your workout buddy! That is awesome. When I first did the show, I was hoping folks might use it when they went walking. I used to so enjoy my walks around the Pasadena Rosebowl with my friend, Marie, where we really let our hair down as we exercised. Then she moved back east and I had no one to do that with any longer. So Compulsive Overeating Diary was born out of my desire to ‘walk and talk with someone’ again. Thanks for letting me know that you enjoyed this episode. It is one I almost didn’t release, but now I’m glad I didn’t let MY perfectionism stop me as it has done some good. xoxoxoxoxox

      Reply

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