Voice acting can get your silly on! Here I’m getting in the mood to practice Wonder Woman sides (scripts).
Double Dang Phooey!
Of course, you BCs know that my language has been MUCH MORE SALTY than THAT lately. I have been trying, and trying and trying to get a show out this week. But every dang time I want to get outside, the Thunderstorms come swooping in. THEN the sun comes out when I am booked doing something else, and so on and so on and so on. I am SO NOT A PATIENT WOMAN! Wait, did I say that out loud? Aren’t I supposed to be the Zen role model of Zen goodness and light? NOT! I am so having to RE-learn the dreaded
Go With the Flow
lesson so many times, I think I’m in remedial Zen class.
PATIENCE YOU STUPID GRASSHOPPER!
Case in point, last weekend I drove down to Torrence, CA on Saturday to relax in a hotel, get a good night’s sleep, and attend an all day voice acting class on Sunday. No problemo. Torrence, as the crow flies, is less than 30 miles from my home. Of course, in ALL of LOS ANGELES, there is no crow flying – only ‘Travel time without traffic’ and ‘Travel Time with’ and unless there is some water and wine involved, only WITH applies. AND to make matters worse, the only viable route included driving on the bane of my LA driving life, the EVIL 405! (In SoCal, we put ‘The’ in front of every freeway number, so ‘The 5’, ‘The 118’ etc. Our roads must have special ‘tude, or we are just a pretentious lot, but THAT’s a topic for another day).
Anyway, back to the ranch, Laurie must drive Red Baby on the EVIL, TRAFFIC CHOKED Asphalt RIBBON OF HELL that is, the 405…
Of course I girded my mental Zen and patience loins for this event. I had soothing music in Red Baby. I made sure to DRINK NO BEVERAGES that might cause my poor, middle-aged and no longer strong bladder to distract my lane changing ability. I checked my apps for traffic and found the best of the worst routes. And all the stronger for it and with smugness on my mug, I made it to the Hosanna of my off ramp for Torrence in a not bad time for LA with traffic, 75 minutes. The hotel was now less than 3 miles away, on surface streets. I could even see it shining in the near distance. A Haven of cocktails, relaxing dinner and uninterrupted HGTV awaited. Curse you LA Traffic, Shangri-La was SOON to be mine.
Unknown to me, the City of Torrence was AT THAT VERY TIME holding a well deserved, parade to honor our Military. It took me over a FRIGGIN’ HOUR to inch those last 3 miles — my goal in site, my bladder giving out, my desire to scream the F word having to take a shameful backseat to honoring veterans. Shit!
I FINALLY MAKE IT – or Do I?
Exhausted and walking in that weird way only a woman does when deciding to run for registration and get her room right away to put her suitcase down, or to detour to the lobby ladies’ room first, bags in tow, for expediency, I hesitate at the formerly open line in front of the strangely understaffed registration desk at check-in Zero hour. And before I can say “Here’s my gold card”, 30 members of a French airline crew recently off their shuttle from LAX and exhausted from their nonstop flight, scoot in and surround my line position.
OH MY F-ING Blankety Blank! Panic sets in, the ladies room line is now ALSO filled with a growing slew of endless air crew. Air crew to the front, air crew to the back. Honored soldiers are now pouring in post-parade and taking every bar seat, I’m surrounded and my bladder is about to test my resource and steely strength as never before. Minutes tick by. Tick, Tick, Tick. Will I EVER get to the front of the line? Will I EVER get to the ladies? Or will I forever regret not popping for my first outing with Depends Undergarments?
Just give me my ROOM
I plaster a fake smile on my face, do Kegels as if my life depended on it, made conversation with the exhausted French aircrew, and Finally, FINALLY got to the front of the line. “Here’s my gold card…”
“Excuse me,” a war torn veteran, pushed ahead.
“Nooooooooo”, I can’t take a stand against that. Panicked, I didn’t know what to do.
The harried front desk clerk discerned my plight with pity on her face.
“I’m sorry Sir, but I believe this lady was first”.
Bless you, bless you, bless you!
I literally threw my credit card, ID, frequent guest card, first born, the works at her.
“I see this is the first time we’ve had the pleasure of serving you Mrs. Weaver. Would you like to know the features of the property?”
“NO THANK YOU”, gritted teeth and plastic smile about to bite through my tongue, I growl, “Can I just have the key?”
“Ok,” she seemed relieved NOT to have to treat me to Gold Member service with a teeming crowd of French aircrew and honored soldiers behind me,”14th floor”.
“Please let the elevators be fast, PLEASE let the elevators be fast”, I prayed as I sprinted as fast as possible given my circumstances.
Finally! My luck turned. I dashed into a handy car just as its door were closing in the nick of time on its way to the blessed up.
Laugh, Clown, F-ing Laugh
“Sorry”, the harried parents said sheepishly.
Their 3 year old had pushed every floor’s button just before I dashed into this lucky car.
What can I say?
At least my Kegels have gotten MUCH stronger through this experience.