Close up of writing group founder, Samantha, and me right after she read her story, the Collector, for the last show. As you can see from my hair style and outfit, I had no inkling that Sam would ask Mark to take photos for her. But then again, it was a good moment to remember, I am as I am, and it was FUN to spend time with Samantha in the studio. Why not remember it?
Last day to be part of COD History
When I wake up tomorrow, Aug 9, Pacific Daylight Time, that will be it. What I have in my email or what you’ve already sent will be the basis for the last show. If you can’t stand to not be part of that day, the easiest thing is to call the bravery hotline at (206) 350-6445 and say good-bye. Here’s the link to the other ways you can send audio. Thanks so much to those BCs who have already participated, and to those who have emailed or posted comments. xoxoxoxoxox
How Does It Feel for Me Being this Close to the End of my Show?
Waaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! I feel frantic, sad, crazy, hopeful, fat, fine, smoking’ hot, talented, lackluster, lonely, fueled with positive energy, drained of time and missing that Zen time with my trusty Roland-05 recorder. My new studio is fantastic, and the new mic gives great sound. But my trusty Roland will ALWAYS have my heart. It was the first mic that let me speak to the world. The mountain was my first sound studio. I think I feel like I would have graduating high-school – if I had liked even ONE DAY of high school! It feels like my life is significantly changing. The line in the sand is as wide as the Rubicon. I was a podcaster. I was a compulsive eater. I was a fat chick who wished with all of her heart to be a thin chick. Now I’m none of these (well I still wish with PART of my heart to be thinner), but it’s more like a fleeting thought vs. a consuming theme. Here’s some proof. One of the HARDEST things for me is to see unplanned photos of my thighs. But here one is!
Wow! Here I am in all of my glory. THIS is really what I look like most days at home. I’m ALWAYS hot (temperature-wise) so I pin my wild hair back, wear as little as possible – just enough to pass muster in case the doorbell rings, and have ice-water and fans going all the live long day. As you can see, I still weigh over 200 pounds, I’m still dimpled in places other than when I smile, and this photo would have NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY a year ago. Remember Christmas and the unexpected full body photo that sent me over the edge? That jean shot was such small potatoes compared to this full body view with leg skin showing. I have learned to let it go. To Samantha, this photo would be just what I look like. She would see nothing out of the ordinary with my appearance (darn it, I DO need to brush my hair now and again). It would be nothing more than a nice memory. She was SO excited to read her story. She was SO happy to see my new studio. She WANTED to be in a photo with me – not to prove she’s hotter in the non-temperature way, but to share the memory.
Life is Now. Don’t Miss The Moment
All of this has taught me a very important lesson. I need to do my best NOT to miss out on anymore memories or moments by focusing on what I think of my size/age/shape etc. It seems every day passes with one less person in it. Celebrities, politicians, people I grew up with, parents of friends, my friends themselves. I’m not morbid, but I realize more time is an illusion. We really only have today, this hour, this minute to say how we feel, to appreciate the beauty of the day, to taste what we love in more than just food ways. I do regret the years I spent in my cocoon of doubt and self-loathing, but I am oh so happy I woke up. And I wish that sense of self acceptance whatever your path, to each and every one of you, my dear BCs. I want nothing more than for you to relish your life, your specialness and to know yourself as I have learned to know you – awesome, talented, caring, juggernauts of the heart. Take THIS moment to know, I REALLY, REALLY care about you and even though I haven’t met 99.9% of the BCs, I still love you. I will never forget the time we shared. (And if I DID, I could listen to 120 reminders 😉 )
Any thoughts on how today is making YOU feel?