I like this photo. The look on my face reminds me of my iconic accidental selfie hiking shot that is the logo for this show. I see clarity and peace — not worry about my body, fears, or anything else. A moment to capture!
Fork in the Road
I know, I know, I’ve been conspicuous in my absence lately. No blog posts since Christmas, no shows since Christmas, and here it is almost Valentine’s Day by crickey! I went for a walk in the park the other day and ALMOST decided to strap on my trusty Roland 05 for a bonus episode, but thought again. I think we have passed a fork in the road. I know that you BCs still care, and I know *I* care, but it feels like we have slipped away from one another like college buds do as family and work looms more largely in the scheme of things. I want to you know, REALLY, REALLY know that I miss you all. I so enjoyed our regular adventures and interactions, and just like YOU liked to hear how my life was going, I liked to keep up with you.
But I’m not sitting around fretting the past.
Facing the Future
You will NEVER guess in one million years what I was doing instead of podcasting as I walked around the park. I was learning the song, I’m not that Girl, from the musical Wicked. And I was learning it, because I am working on playing Elphaba in acting class.
Now you who have traveled along my path for the last few years might find your JAWS DROPPING at that idea.
1. Elphaba SINGS in front of people (gasp)
2. Elphaba is a LEADING part – therefore thrust in front of people (no hiding there)
3. Elphaba by type is NOT cast as almost 57 and over 200 pounds (this is what my physical form provides)
But a big lesson I’m learning in acting class is:
SO the F*CK What?
What is there to be gained by fear? Who is ever helped by lack of passion or purpose? How can we possibly SURPRISE ourselves if we always play things safe?
Perfection Doesn’t Help My Middle Age Angst
At my age, not only are icons of my time, like David Bowie and Glenn Frey passing away with frightening regularity, all of my phone calls with my mom include funeral news about more and more neighbors, friends and cohorts of hers. My dad passed away almost 7 years ago, I still can’t believe that one, and in a very real way, the world feels as if it is shifting and crumbling from all I knew into who knows what?
It pushes the point:
If not now, when?
And if I am going to try something, be it voice acting or singing, or rock climbing, then chances are pretty dang good I’m not going to be perfect. Probably, even not with the proverbial practice. Practice DOES make improved, but never, never, perfect. Perfection for me is a myth and an excuse. I had SO MUCH FEAR that I would screw something up. A phobia, a feeling that I WOULD DIE if I screwed something up. But guess what, self?
I’m going to DIE ANYWAY!
I used to use my body and my weight as an excuse not to pursue or try anything important. I always had thinness and perfection over my rainbow. Just one more diet, one more exercise plan, one more revelation about good food/bad food, one more chance to make my dreams come true.
I don’t overeat anymore.
I exercise more than most my age.
I’ve been thin and fatter than this.
But my 56, almost 57 year old body is not a stranger. This body shape and level of gravity has been mine for most of my life.
I am who I am.
I used to use perfection as an excuse. Once I learned to sing (if ever) I would. Can’t possibly let anyone hear a clunker note attributed to me! I can’t write stories without having them be perfect. What would people think? I can’t possibly make a podcast without tons of market research and advice from experts. I MIGHT FAIL!
Phooey! I like to sing.
I like to write
I like to make podcasts.
Sometimes I sing better then others.
Sometimes my stories are a good swing at bat – they hit or miss.
Sometimes my podcasts flourish, and other times they languish.
The Big Question
If I take away fear, and rainbow dreams of a perfect body and a perfect talent, and dependence on ‘what other people think and say’
Who am I?
Lover of the Arts (and Mark)
New, Braver Podcaster
I’m working on a new show called Stories and Voice. This one is 1000 times more scary than COD. Even though I revealed my personal self in COD, I had control of it. I could record when I wanted, ask for input or get people to contribute (Thanks Fionna, Dawny and Stéfanie for contributing so often) but overall, even if EVERY PERSON I ASKED said no, I could release a show based ONLY ON MY PERFORMANCE. So I had a safety net.
This one depends on the kindness of writers, voice actors, and singer/songwriters to thrive. While I will share some of my work, I’m hoping there is a community of creative people who will love to share THEIR voice as much as I do. It is SCARY SCARY SCARY to put this dream out into the universe. I have a lot of hope and I’m hanging my creative heart on my sleeve.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe this one will flop, maybe all the time and effort I’m expending will fail.
But to quote myself,
SO the F*CK What?
If I never try, I WILL FAIL 100%.
If I never take steps toward what seems passionate and creative, I will FAIL TO THRIVE in my heart.
If I’m not willing to RISK SUCCESS, then I will FAIL to leave this earth a little better than I found it.
Because we are all unique. We have unique talents and passions that have nothing to do with our size or how perfect we are. We all have a wonderful voice to share. And sometimes it takes bravely moving along an unknown path to find out, for ourselves, who we are.